I went to hand deliver my
application package to the Toronto Star today. I’m sure handing in an
application on the actual deadline date is bad form, but at least it’s in. Now
I feel like all of that scurrying about and hard work to get everything
together is behind me and I can finally relax. Well, sort of. Of course I’m
still unemployed and this might not come through, so I have to keep looking for
work, as well as remain anxious to hear back regarding this application. But at
least it’s all out of my hands right now.
I have to say though, I was
feeling ridiculously sick this morning (probably my allergies) and it was such
a rainy and miserable day that the thought of heading in to Toronto JUST to
drop off this application package felt daunting. I was cursing myself that I
didn’t have everything done sooner so that I could have mailed it in before the
deadline and would have been free to stay in bed all day today. Oh well, that’s
not what happened. However, I am now really glad that I went in person, because
once I was walking down Harbourd St. coming up to Yonge and saw the Toronto
Star building, I actually got butterflies in my stomach. This may not seem like
a big deal….but I haven’t felt butterflies about anything for such a long time.
Some people believe that butterflies are really just fear – in most cases fear
of unrequited feelings, but fear nonetheless. I think that in some cases
perhaps that can be true, but getting butterflies for me is a feeling of pure
excitement and desire. Again, let me stress, I haven’t felt like this in a very
long time. I realized in that instant just how much I wanted this. I felt
pretty ridiculous that just seeing the building made me feel giddy, it’s not
like I hadn’t ever seen it before, but somehow this time was different.
If that doesn’t sound
melodramatic enough, I actually stopped before walking into the building, took
a breath, and then proceeded through the turning door. Yes I know…I kind of
wanted to slap me too. Weirdly enough, though, once I got inside I had this
feeling that I just belonged there…..regardless of the reality that I had no
idea where to go. I only once ever felt such a feeling of belonging to a place
that I had never actually been to before, and that was when I visited Paris.
With Paris it was a connection to the roots I was always looking for but could
never seem to find. Today though, this was about something different; again
this is going to sound melodramatic, but it was about a sense of purpose or
destiny. I know I’m counting my chickens well before they hatch, and perhaps I’m
waiting on what I believe are eggs about to hatch and really they are boiled
eggs, but I’m ok with getting excited about this right now, even though I may
be getting my hopes up. The way I see it, if something feels that right….in the
end it can’t be wrong. Maybe I won’t get in this time around, but I know that I’m
going to keep applying until I do. And maybe when I do get in, it won’t be at
the intern level.
Or maybe I am putting a little
too much thought into this. I’m sure if I walked through the doors of any
Random House affiliate to apply for an internship position I would feel those
same butterflies and feeling of belonging. Perhaps it’s not as much a feeling
of destiny as it is drive, motivation, and purpose. Perhaps the reason I felt
so at home is because I do belong in a place like that and for the first time I
feel like I’m finally actually applying for and getting closer to work in my
field. Yet again, maybe this is all wishful thinking, but I just have this gut
feeling like something is about to finally turn around for me. This isn’t me
being overly confident about my application; to be honest I feel like my
portfolio is lacking and that there are probably several more qualified people
applying for this internship than me. I think maybe this is merely a feeling of
me crawling out of my emotional hole. Nothing has really changed except how I
am feeling and looking at things. I’m too realistic to believe that just
wanting something more than everyone else gets you it; if this were true a lot
of things in my life would be different. But I think that with positivity comes
change. So, will I be bummed if I don’t get this internship? Sure. But that was
always a very high possibility. What I won’t do is get back into my bed and
cry. On to the next, on to the next. Something is just around the corner. I can
feel it. And I’m so ready for it.
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