I Look To You

I haven't written in a little while because I have been working through something. Many things actually. And I'm still working through them and don't have any answers, but maybe I can share what I have learned so far (which is going to require more than one blog post).

Although it felt like a complete regression after what I have already expressed I have learned, I was recently confronted once more with a lot of fears and insecurities that began to rob me of my peace and joy in God. I had an experience trigger some painful memories and it made me realize that those wounds were not really healed yet; that I hadn't really given that hurt to God, and even if I thought I had...that I hadn't really forgiven the person who hurt me. Perhaps that's not really the right way to state it. I had forgiven (since God forgave me everything in my life, how could I not forgive someone else for something they had done to me). It wasn't that I hadn't necessarily forgiven, it was that I hadn't been able to forget. But to truly forgive, you have to also forget. Mostly what I couldn't forget is the fears and insecurities that this instance deeply routed in me. Fears that don't so easily just disappear.

Even though I knew in my head that these fears and insecuriteis that plagued me were all lies, it didn't seem to change that I was feeling them. This is a problem that I frequently have. I know and understand something in my mind very clearly, and I believe it as well, but it doesn't change what I feel in my heart. For example, if you know that God is always with you and is an ever present help in times of trouble, you can know it and believe it and be greatful for it, but it doesn't mean you don't feel the pain or lonliness of that sruggle.

With this new event bringing up old painful memories, I knew, however, that I couldn't just run to friends to seek comfort, or to seek comfort in any other person in my life. I knew that God was trying to teach me to seek comfort in only him. If I were to turn to a person in my life, it would only come short of the comfort that I really needed, the comfort that only God himself could provide. He has since helped me work through some of these fears and insecurities, but it will be a long work in progress I'm afraid.

I know that it is a pretty over-used statement, but life really is all a matter of perspective. Isaiah 45:22 says "look unto me, and be ye saved." God needed to change my perspective. I had a bad habit of looking to the past at my past hurt or past mistakes, which took my focus off of him. I also had a habit of thinking ahead to the future and worrying about it, which again took all of my focus off of him. I know that at any point in my life when I felt overwhelmed, discouraged, terrified, and unhappy, they were all times when I was focusing on myself and a problem, instead of on him...my solution. And in moments in my life when I was completely happy, secure, and at peace, they were all moments when my focus was completely on him, and not on me.

Another thing I learned through this process is that I am all too human. As soon as I am doing well, something is bound to come my way to test how firm this foundation is. And unfortunately just because I have a good relationship with the Lord doesn't mean that I won't encounter pain and hard times. That is just part of life. How I react to the painful time when it comes my way and who I lean on for help through that trial, I think that is where the difference lies. That is where the real progress can be seen.

So, one at a time I laid all of my fears at his feet. And one at a time he helped me through them. I clung on to the Lord like he was a life raft and felt so very weak, but knew that he was strong enough to help me through it.

In these moments of pain or grief, we can do nothing else but cling to Christ. I am certain that this is the reason we aren't kept from these moments in our lives. If we never have these moments that bring us to our knees in full and utter dependence, we will never experience a part of our relationship with God that we are supposed to experience, and that can be a wonderful blessing.

Dependence in our culture is a terrible dirty word. It means that you are weak and can't do something on your own. But dependence on God is the moment in a Christian life when you are really the strongest. I have come to realize that I can't do anything on my own. Even getting out of bed in the morning requires prayer. That's not even a joke. I pray for the engergy to get up and then thank him for it after I achieve the arduous task.

I am actually very greateful for this trial, as strange as that may sound. Not only did it help me learn to depend even more on God, but it helped me to confront some of the characteristics that I also don't like about myself, and to try to change them. The biggest one would be this inner turmoil within myself, which by the way is also external because I have absolutely no poker face...so when something is going on in my head or my heart, you can see it written all over my face. I then walk around looking all gloomy, and this was something that I really disliked about myself.

By nature, I am actually a very happy and positive person. When I am working through a problem though, it is completely different. I wanted to learn how to work through a problem with God and be able to maintain that peace and joy, despite my circumstances. This is a very difficult lesson to learn, and I am still learning it. That human side that I can't excape means I will have ups and downs, good days and bad days, and all I can do is try to keep improving.

But as I said before, this is actually all a matter of choice. If we choose to focus on the pain, fears, and insecurities, then we make ourselves miserable. If we choose to focus on the one who will love us and care for us through everything, and who can help rid us of these issues, then we can take refuge in him and rest in his peace and security. That seems like a much better way to go through life to me. To learn to praise him in the storm:

 "Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive bad?" (Job 2:10)

If you let Christ be your sanctuary, you can make it through any storm. And when you focus on him and his amazing love and care over the trial that you are experiencing, you can remain in the peace and joy of God regardless of what life throws your way. And when you are able to do that, you are able to be a testimony to people around you that no matter how big something may seem or feel, that God is bigger and he is working out all things for good.

"O God you are my God; earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you;

my flesh faints for you;

as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,

beholding your power and glory. 

Because your steadfast love is better than life, 

my lips will praise you. 

So I will bless you as long as I live;

in your name I will lift up my hands. 

My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food.

and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,

when I remember you upon my bed,

and meditate on you in the watches of the night;

for you have been my help,

and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.

My soul clings to you;

your right hand upholds me."

Psalm 63: 1-8

This leads me into the next blog post, because learning to come to God with everything and finding comfort only in him, means also learning to wait on him and hold on to him for strength while you wait.

Hearing the Call of God and Falling in Love with his Nature

Waiting for Answers from God and Waiting to Hear his Voice and Guidance

Waiting on an answer from God to the question that plagues every Christian’s mind at some point, “God what do you want me to do with my life,” is never easy. This encompasses career, marriage, and service to God.

When I was plagued with these questions (and by the way, I still don’t have answers, I am just looking at the situation differently now and am therefore not plagued by it anymore) I took comfort in my favorite bible verse: Romans 8:28 “for we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them that are called according to his purpose.” But recently I have begun to look at this verse, which I thought I knew so well and held so dearly, differently. I asked myself “what does it really mean to be called according to his purpose? And if I claim that I love God, what does that love actually look like?

The Call of God

First, I want to discuss the Call of God, because it directly relates to loving God. I was recently working my way through Oswald Chambers’ My Utmost for his Highest, and I came across his discussion of the call of God. There are few moments in life when you read something that completely changes your mind about something, but when you do have those moments, they are very powerful.  

What Oswald Chambers explains in his discussion of the Call of God is that ‘The Call’ is actually a reflection of the nature of God, it is not a call to any particular service. Service becomes a natural desire, bred out of love for God to serve him; it is a response to The Call of God, but is not actually The Call itself. We are therefore not called to service, but are called to a personal relationship with God, out of which develops a desire to serve. We therefore cannot hear the call of God unless we are seeking a personal relationship with God.

In order to attain a close, personal relationship with God, though, we must first seek him out and get to know him. This is another excellent point that Oswald Chambers discusses in this same devotional book, he mentions that in order to hear the voice of God and to get to know his character, we have to seek to be alone with him. In other words, God reveals himself and his nature to us in the moments when he gets us alone (Mark 4 Jesus reveals to the disciples the meaning of the parables, Exodus 3 God speaks with Moses alone through the burning bush).

When I thought I was Hearing a Call to Service

I had been praying earnestly for many months that I would receive a job and be able to meet my financial needs. I had left a job in Canada and come to Germany because I knew that it was where the Lord was leading me, but while in Germany nothing seemed to be happening work-wise to permit me to stay, so I naturally had questions about why this was.

When I got to a point of particular discouragement, praying many nights in tears asking “when Lord?” and “just talk to me Lord, say something!” I was feeling uneasy and burdened. Until I got a comforting confirmation at a bible study to alleviate a particular looming fear. It wasn’t an answer, but it was the Lord speaking to me and saying something. When I finally got around to the prayer that I should have been praying, surrendering everything to God and letting him speak, and giving up this worry and simply asking for him to guide me and show me how I can serve him while I wait; it was only then that I got a really big answer that seemed like an incredibly open door. Enter NTM (New Tribes Missions). I had spent the morning praying for a way to serve the Lord with the talents that he has given me, and by that evening I had had a conversation with an NTM missionary who mentioned that they had been praying for some time now for a writer. Because it seemed like an absolute answer to prayer and an incredibly open door (since I had people from the head office in Canada, USA, and New Zealand all contacting me trying to convince me to go to their chapter) I was swept away in it all.

And yet, I had two small fears or reservation in the back of my mind. The first was financial, since working for NTM was on a faith-based income, and the second and perhaps more looming reservation was that I would have to leave Germany and I didn’t feel like the Lord was done with me here yet. It didn’t really make sense to me that he would bring me here just to have me leave again in only 5 months. Especially since I had been growing significantly in my spiritual life here and he was definitely not done with this aspect of my life (and never will be). I now beleive that when you know that you are going in the direction that God wants you to go, there are no fears and reservations that this is the right path. My doubts were a good sign that this was not the direction God had planned for me, at least not yet.

Finally one night, instead of praying and asking him in which direction I should go with NTM (Canada, US, or NZ), I stopped and considered and then prayed, “Lord, even though this seems like an incredibly open door and a way to serve you, if this is not the road that you want me to go down, please close this door and make it without a doubt clear to me.” The next morning he closed this door. I was momentarily discouraged, but then I realized that God answered my prayer in a very big and obvious way and how can I ever really be discouraged when God speaks to me and answers a question that I am asking?

I was thinking that since it was a call to serve God fulltime, and was a perfect position that I was completely skilled to perform, and because there was so much interest from 3 different countries, that this was God giving me his blessing to go in this direction. And I thought that anything that is serving the Lord is an obedience to the call of God and can’t be wrong.

But I now think differently. I think that God wouldn’t call me to a life of fulltime service where I need to be able to trust him for everything and through his strength stand on my own two feet…when I am only crawling in my spiritual life. I have made significant strides in this area, but I would have still been in over my head.  I think he showed me an option, but it doesn’t mean that it is something that I am to do right now. And I think he was getting me to evaluate just how much I actually trusted him, and if my faith had grown past that of a child (a person who loves God when everything is going right and gets angry with God and discouraged when things are going wrong). I learned an important lesson in trusting and worshiping in the ups as well as the downs.

Finally, I learned that the prayer that I was praying, that the Lord show me a way to serve him with the gifts he has given me, wasn’t necessarily the right way to pray about this. As Oswald Chambers points out, “as long as I consider my personal temperament and think about what I am fitted for, I shall never hear the call of God. The majority of us have no ear for anything but ourselves, we cannot hear a thing God says.” This is because it is a focus on self and how I want to use the gifts that I believe God has given me, for his service. This is saying ‘God I want to serve you in this way’ instead of asking ‘God how would you like me to serve you?’ It is a slight shift, but it makes all of the difference.

In all aspects of my life I have been thinking in the wrong way. I have been asking for the job that I wanted instead of asking him what he wants for me, and I have been asking for a way to serve him in the way that I thought I could be of most use, instead of asking how he wanted to use me.

I think every day I learn that even with good intentions I fall short and make mistakes and I am very humbled by this knowledge and am grateful for a Lord that deals patiently with me and lovingly shows me my slight errors in thinking.

Coming back to this notion of hearing the call of God then, the above example was not the call of God. Not only because it wasn’t the path that I am supposed to take (at least not right now), but because it was a lesson in the difference between service and the actual Call of God (being called to a personal relationship with Christ and learning more of his nature).

I have mentioned this ordeal to a few people and how God clearly spoke to me, and I have had the same questions asked, the most pressing one being “how did you get to a point where you heard God speaking to you or had direct answers to your prayers?” The only way that I can answer that is I was earnestly before the Lord in prayer, I asked for specific answers, and I was learning to let go of myself and hold on to him. The closer I get to the Lord and spend time personally with him, the closer I get to understanding his character, and the more that I understand his nature, the easier it is to hear his voice and understand his guidance. That sounds obscure, but it is the only way that I can explain it.

I think that sometimes we are too impatient and when we are praying about something and earnestly seeking an answer, we tend to grab on to anything that seems like an answer to us instead of patiently giving it back to the Lord. I grabbed on to NTM because it seemed like an open door, but it was only when I gave it back to the Lord that I realized it wasn’t…I had made it my answer when it wasn’t the answer the Lord had in mind for me. And further still, I had been praying all along that the Lord provide a way for me to stay in Germany, but it was only after I gave up this desire and started praying that if he wanted me to go home that he just work in my heart to let me be ok with it, it was only then that he gave me the job in Germany that I will be starting this Monday.

All of this ‘struggle’ that I have been going through over the past few years, and especially over the past few months, it was all a lesson in trusting him and surrendering to him, but most importantly, of getting to know him and understand him.

If what Oswald Chambers says is true, that the Call of God is essentially a call to know him deeply on a personal level, then the only way to hear that call, the only way to hear the Lord speaking to you and giving you answers to your prayers, is to seek to know him better, instead of focusing on yourself and your needs.  

Falling in Love with God

Throughout this whole learning period, not only did I get a different understanding of the Call of God, but what it means to fall in love with God. If I hear the call, and I am learning more about his nature, this is the beginning of love.

I used to believe that falling in love is the scariest thing that a human being can ever do. It also seemed to me like one of the hardest things a human being will ever have to try to achieve. And if you approach it like most people do, asking what you get out of it and how it makes you feel, then it is impossible to achieve. Falling in love with a person is gaining a deeper appreciation and admiration for who they are, it isn’t based on how they make you feel. So I am now seeing this ‘scary ordeal’ as a beautiful and wonderful process that is natural, simple, and organic.

Let me clarify that, to fall in love is an organic process because it happens slowly and gradually and naturally. The opening of a song that I have been listening to lately describes this process:

Captured effortlessly

That's the way it was

Happened so naturally

I did not know it was love

Now I am no authority on the subject of love, I am merely learning to crawl here, but this is my understanding of it. If I am falling in love, I am thrilled and amazed by all of the little things I am learning about that person, all of these little things make me understand the person better, see the person clearer, and make me love and appreciate them that much more. I have an earnest desire to be around that person and my assumptions about that person (when proven wrong or proven right) bring me closer to knowing that person deeply. Meaning, when I have an assumption and it is wrong, I am delightfully surprised and feel even closer to that person. When I have an assumption (something I already admire in that person) and it is proven to be right, I am all the more drawn to that person and this attribute that I already appreciated.

So the question is, with my very basic understanding of love, is this what my love for the Lord looks like? Am I drawn to him and want to know everything I possibly can about him? Am I actually learning new things about his character that delight me? Am I seeking him out and having personal time with him where I can learn more about him? Am I amazed by him and want to spend time every day with him and want to spend the rest of my life getting to know everything there is to know about him, knowing full well that it will actually take longer than a lifetime to achieve that, but that I nevertheless want to make the most of the time that I have and try?  

I accept that he knows me better than I know myself and has my whole life planned out already, and that is a wonderful sense of security. But how well do I know him? How well do I want to know him? In the moments when we need something, we come to the Lord, but do we seek him earnestly even after those needs or prayers have been answered? If the answer is no, then that is not love. And there is a vast difference to being thankful and appreciative of what the Lord has done for you and being appreciative of who your Lord is and earnestly wanting to know him more. If we stay in the first group in our relationship with the Lord, we are seeing only a fraction of the Lord’s nature and who he is and we cannot grow to a deeper understanding and appreciation of him because the focus is on ourselves (what he has done for us) not on who he is.

And then comes in the call to service, which is an answer to the call of God; it is a direct result of falling in love with God because it is an expression of this love back to God. We show God that we love him by seeking him and seeking to serve him and seeking to delight his heart.

These thoughts are still not completely clear in my mind to adequately express them, and so I have no answers or insights for you on this matter, because it is something I am just learning myself. But what I have learned so far is that the closer I am to God, the more I can hear his voice, and the more that I get to know and fall in love with the nature of God, the more that I understand him and the way that he is guiding me, not to mention the more happy and blessed and complete I feel.

Only a few months ago I thought that I could never be happy if certain things weren’t in my life and if I had to come to a point where the only thing that I cared about or wanted was God. It was a selfish thought and it was completely immature and wrong. I realize that my desire for these things were higher than my desire for God, which is most likely why they were withheld, because why would God grant me these things that I place above him?

Now that I am genuinely trying to get to know my Lord, I am saddened by the fact that I ever thought he couldn’t be enough. God is always more than enough. Do I still have certain desires? Absolutely, but since his timing has been perfect in everything that he has shown me thus far, I trust him in this too. And in the meantime, I can use this time to continue to get to know him. I am young, single, finished with school and all of its demands, and have very few responsibilities outside of my job, there is no better time to spend hours getting to know and love my savior. I am not going to let thoughts of unfulfilled desires take up my time, because they will eventually be fulfilled, and I would rather spend time focusing on the one that I love and the constant figure in my life, than on what I do not yet have.   

Once More With Purpose

To those who were actually reading this blog, I apologize for abandoning it. I have now decided to take it up again, but this time with purpose.

It was pointed out to me before that some of my rambling was really directionless complaining, and I agree that at times this was definitely the case. I haven't been writing because I haven't had anything to write about, or at least nothing positive and uplifting to say. I have for the past 5 or 6 months been going through a rather tough time of soul searching and only recently have I come to some clarity in my life.

I have decided to re-purpose this blog to discuss the personal and spiritual growth in my life. I recently made a very public declaration on Facebook of my re-dedication of my life to Christ. Many congratulated me, but only a few actually asked me what it was about and what I meant. So, here is the explanation of the struggle that I have been going through for many years now and the growing pains that have helped me to develop to the point I'm at right now.

Wresting With God

Like Jacob wrestled with God for an entire night and was finally blessed in the morning, I too have been wrestling with God intensely for the past few weeks, and they have felt like a torment and an incredible struggle; nights filled with tears and questions instead of sleep. However, I feel like the sun is finally rising and I am coming to clarity, understanding, and perhaps like Jacob, even a blessing.

The questions plaguing me were put into motion from a Bible conference that I attended where the topic of discussion was Colossians 3. I didn’t see at the time how this topic would so greatly impact my spiritual life, especially because it seemed to be something that I had heard many times before. It didn’t begin to work exactly right away, but it was at work within me.

There are two specific things from this conference that stuck out to me. One had to do with my preoccupations. One brother asked “what are you thinking about when you can’t sleep at night?” As sleep is a large problem in my life, I considered this thought. What were the thoughts plaguing my mind in times when I couldn’t sleep? What was I preoccupied with? And the brother challenged that this seemingly wasted time could be used productively in prayer; not only prayer for oneself and the thoughts keeping them awake, but in prayer for the saints and the assembly. I thought this was a pretty positive message, and so it lingered in my mind.

The second message that stuck with me was a moment that caught all of us off guard. A brother asked us “do you stink?” Of course we all looked at each other like we wanted confirmation that everyone heard the same thing. The brother repeated the question and then asked “have you really died with Christ?” The analogy was simple, if a body has died it gives off an odor, so likewise then, if we have truly died with Christ, is it evident in our lives…are we giving off a theoretical odor?

This thought was memorable, mostly because it was presented in a bizarre way, but it would eventually lead me to my confrontation with God. I didn’t initially dwell on this point right away, it was only after considering areas of my life that I wasn’t completely satisfied with – those pesky preoccupations that keep me awake at night – that this point came back around full circle.

After this conference, I was a witness to a friend’s budding new and beautiful relationship, one that is completely Christ centered and better than she had ever imagined for herself. I was naturally torn between sheer happiness for her and the inevitable selfish moment where I wonder why this particular blessing seems to be given to everyone else around me while it continues to allude me. I began to seriously consider what it was that I was doing wrong. In two specific areas of my life I have earnestly sought for progress and I have been at a standstill: my love life and my career. I then got frustrated and reached out to God, yes in tears, and asked him “why Lord? You know me better than I know myself and you know all of my needs and desires. Why are you withholding these things from me? What am I doing wrong or what do you want me to learn first before you bless these areas of my life?”

I was filled with a lot of doubt and insecurity around the subject, even to the point of thinking maybe this was God’s way of punishing me for past wrong-doing. I had heard from a Christian friend once that God disciplines us in two ways: he either gives us something difficult to deal with, some sort of trial, or he takes something away from us. This idea plagued my thoughts, even though I wasn’t completely convinced in its truth. I was exceedingly worried that perhaps God would take away from me the one thing that I wanted the most. This inevitably made me call into question everything I thought I knew about my savior and how he dealt with me. I felt conflicted, frightened, and alone.

Although I had heard from the friend who was blissful in the beginnings of love that God knew what she wanted and needed and he wanted the best for her, I was doubting that God had the same interests in my life. It wasn’t until an impromptu ministry meeting after a regular Tuesday night prayer meeting where I got my answer: “This I know, that God is for me” (Psalm 56:9). The loving father is for us, not against us. The only person who is against us and does not want the best for us is….us….if we become more interested in settling than waiting on the Lord.

I think that as much of a blessing as it is to grow up in the assembly and in a Christian home where we study the word, it leaves us open and susceptible to one great weakness: that everything we have heard our entire lives is stuff that we ‘know’ but not necessarily that we ‘believe’ or ‘understand’ in a practical way. Let me clarify that.

There are scriptures that many of us know by heart: “I will not leave you nor forsake you” (Joshua 1:5), “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you” (Matthew 6:33), “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4), “In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your path” (Proverbs 3:6).

We have heard all of these verses before, but what do they really mean to us? How do we understand them and how do we practically apply them in our lives? What does it really mean to ‘seek first the kingdom of God’ or to ‘delight in the Lord’?

After considering these verses, which are the basic foundation to my Christian life, I was forced to consider another important verse, which brings us full circle back around to this conference on Colossians 3 that I didn’t think really impacted me all that deeply. The verse is Luke 9: 23, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.”

What does it really mean to take up your cross? And this is when the brother’s question of whether we stink came back to me. To take up your cross means to die with Christ as he died on the cross. Ok, that we pretty much knew from Sunday school. However, what does it mean to take up your cross daily?

It is amazing how one little word can completely change your perspective on a verse, on a concept, sometimes on everything you think you know. So this got me thinking, what does it really mean to die with Christ or to give our lives to Christ? My clarity comes with this word daily: to die in Christ or to die with Christ is a daily exercise to surrender your life to him. It is not a onetime moment of salvation.

When we are young we are often told that all we need is to believe. This is how I governed my entire Christian walk up until now. I am a Christian because I believe that Jesus Christ died for my sins. That is the foundation; however, I didn’t take it much further than that. I knew that I should live a life pleasing to him, and if I am being honest much of my life was not pleasing to him, but beyond that, Christianity and faith was all based on belief.

I have now come to a new realization. Christianity and being a disciple of Christ is not merely about believing. Just as Christ gave his life for us, so too must we give our lives to him. And as I have just pointed out, this is a daily exercise, not a onetime moment of salvation. Giving my life to Christ is more than accepting him as my savior and fitting him into my life with bible readings and prayer…it means completely giving up my life to Christ and allowing him to be the author of my story. It means coming to him with every decision and waiting on him instead of making my own decisions and asking for him to bless them. It means making him the center of my life instead of myself. This DOES NOT come naturally to us. After all, it is our lives…why wouldn’t we be at the center or be the main character of our own lives? The answer is actually quite simple, because once you give your life to Christ, it is no longer yours, it is his. How come this moment of clarity came to me so late in life when it was repeated about a million times in Sunday school and asked in every conference I attended: “does your life belong to Christ?” Does it BELONG to him? I can’t really answer why this has come to me so late, but I am just glad that I can see it now.

Once I had this moment of clarity, that I needed to surrender all areas of my life to God and completely trust in him, I was in for another struggle and many more sleepless nights filled with tears and prayer. I am a control freak, it is one of my biggest weaknesses. I can’t stand not being in control and not knowing what comes next, so to stop trying to do everything on my own and trust God to do it is a very hard step for me. To trust that God has my best interests in mind and have faith that he will do all things well is incredibly difficult, but incredibly necessary. 

I have seen nothing but failure in my career and love life while I was trying to do it on my own, all the while thinking I was on the right track and asking God for answers and help. So what was I doing wrong? I was trying to write my own story instead of letting God be the author of my life.

I was also focused on myself instead of on God. I would look around and see all of the people who I went to school with getting great jobs, one of them my dream job that I had applied for 7 times! And I would see all of the people I had grown up with all finding ‘the one’ and getting married, and I couldn’t help but have the childish response “God, when is it my turn?”

Of course in my mind I know that I shouldn’t be looking around at anyone else, and when I do the waves threaten to drown me. Like Peter on the water, I know I need to look only to Christ, but this is much more difficult in practice than in concept. It’s difficult not to see everyone else’s success and happiness and it’s difficult not to want it too. It’s even difficult, at least for me, not to get frustrated with God when what you want seems to be forever out of reach.

I have a bad habit that I have become aware of which continuously plunges me into familiar murky waters. This habit is to let my guard down and not guard my heart when it comes to having friendships with guys and tends to leave me teetering on the edge of deeper feelings and brings up old fears and insecurities. When someone comes along who is nice and sweet and a good Christian guy, and I start to wonder…“could this be him?” and then I spiral into a bout of insecurities surrounding my fear of rejection, of getting hurt again, and of all of the reasons why I am not good enough (but that is a subject for a different post). I don’t think the question of "could this be him" is in itself wrong, but perhaps my point of view is. I’m looking at a guy and what I deem are attractive qualities for what I want in a future husband instead of looking to God. And here come the waves. 

I have no answers for how to not notice someone and how to not develop feelings for someone. This I leave with God and hope that he can show me the answers in time. I do know, however, that what I have done in the past hasn’t worked and it was time for a change.

As difficult as it was to go through failure and heart ache, I think these failures worked in an important way to allow me to finally see that I hadn’t completely given these areas of my life to God, even though I thought that I had. There are certain areas of our lives where God won’t let us succeed unless we give him complete control, and if we insist on doing it our own way, then we haven’t really succeeded, but have settled for less than what God had in mind for us.

I used to think that God had more important things to deal with than to care about something as small as my career and love life. But consider this, if someone loves someone else so much that they are willing to give their life for the person…do you really think there is anything about that person and any part of that person’s life that would not be of interest to the one who sacrificed? How could I possibly think that God would die for me and then not care about my life? The thought even now makes me sad. When I wasn’t getting any answers from God and felt completely alone and lost, I sometimes wondered whether he even cared about me; like a girl sitting at home on a Friday night waiting for a guy to call who clearly has no interest in her. How foolish and ashamed I feel now for thinking that way.

I realized that at the points in my life when it felt like God didn't care and had stopped speaking to me, it was really I who had stopped speaking to him and seeking him first. I had gotten to a point where my spiritual life had become a routine and became stagnant without growth. This is a dangerous place for a Christian to be. I felt like God was far from helping me and felt alone and angry, but really I was far from him. I was not acknowledging him in all that I did...I was doing everything on my own and he was an afterthought. My thoughts and time were consumed with school and career, in themselves not bad things, but they became what I put all of my thoughts and energy into. I really only thought of God when something wasn't going right, which is selfish and immature. He did not have the preeminence in my life. As I started coming back into a personal relationship with God, it was painful, but there cannot be growth without pain. Like when you are a child and your whole body aches from growing pains; it's painful, but necessary. I still don't have any answers and I still have a lot of growing to do, but at least I am looking in the right direction now. 

It is never easy when we need answers to something and we feel like we aren’t getting them. Patience and waiting on the Lord has never been my strong suit. Of course I want what God has planned for me because I know it will be better than anything that I have imagined for myself, but, and here comes the inevitable ‘what if’questions that plague me….what if I have to wait too long? What if I already screwed up too much? Or the scariest 'what if', what if God has called me to a life of singleness to serve him? From my current standpoint as a 26 year old woman that is a scary thought because I have wanted for my entire life to get married, to love someone and be loved in return. And unfortunately, I think that I am too weak to be alone for the rest of my life and be happy with it, even if God is always with me. So what if God plans to give me the ultimate challenge and wants me to find complete happiness and fulfillment in only him? My selfish human brain considers this possibility terrifying. Perhaps as I grow in faith and maturity this could change, or perhaps in my heart of hearts I know the answer.

I can’t be sure if a life of singleness is what has been planned for me or not, but mostly I believe it is not, and here is why. If God knows me better than I know myself and he is aware of all of my needs and desires, I don’t think he would withhold from me forever one of my deepest desire, and I don’t think he would put such a deeply rooted desire in me for marriage if his plan all along was that I stay single. I could be wrong, but I believe that he knows me; he knows what I want and need and he wants me to be happy. He just wants to be involved and be the one writing my story, and he wants to be at the center of that story. 

I may not have really figured anything out yet, but I'm no longer wrestling: my restless heart has found rest in him. And for now, for me, this is enough. Of course this is just a small glimpse into the struggles that I have been going through and it really only scratches the surface, but is what is going on in this ordinary person's not so extraordinary life.