I haven't written in a little while because I have been working through something. Many things actually. And I'm still working through them and don't have any answers, but maybe I can share what I have learned so far (which is going to require more than one blog post).
Although it felt like a complete regression after what I have already expressed I have learned, I was recently confronted once more with a lot of fears and insecurities that began to rob me of my peace and joy in God. I had an experience trigger some painful memories and it made me realize that those wounds were not really healed yet; that I hadn't really given that hurt to God, and even if I thought I had...that I hadn't really forgiven the person who hurt me. Perhaps that's not really the right way to state it. I had forgiven (since God forgave me everything in my life, how could I not forgive someone else for something they had done to me). It wasn't that I hadn't necessarily forgiven, it was that I hadn't been able to forget. But to truly forgive, you have to also forget. Mostly what I couldn't forget is the fears and insecurities that this instance deeply routed in me. Fears that don't so easily just disappear.
Even though I knew in my head that these fears and insecuriteis that plagued me were all lies, it didn't seem to change that I was feeling them. This is a problem that I frequently have. I know and understand something in my mind very clearly, and I believe it as well, but it doesn't change what I feel in my heart. For example, if you know that God is always with you and is an ever present help in times of trouble, you can know it and believe it and be greatful for it, but it doesn't mean you don't feel the pain or lonliness of that sruggle.
With this new event bringing up old painful memories, I knew, however, that I couldn't just run to friends to seek comfort, or to seek comfort in any other person in my life. I knew that God was trying to teach me to seek comfort in only him. If I were to turn to a person in my life, it would only come short of the comfort that I really needed, the comfort that only God himself could provide. He has since helped me work through some of these fears and insecurities, but it will be a long work in progress I'm afraid.
I know that it is a pretty over-used statement, but life really is all a matter of perspective. Isaiah 45:22 says "look unto me, and be ye saved." God needed to change my perspective. I had a bad habit of looking to the past at my past hurt or past mistakes, which took my focus off of him. I also had a habit of thinking ahead to the future and worrying about it, which again took all of my focus off of him. I know that at any point in my life when I felt overwhelmed, discouraged, terrified, and unhappy, they were all times when I was focusing on myself and a problem, instead of on him...my solution. And in moments in my life when I was completely happy, secure, and at peace, they were all moments when my focus was completely on him, and not on me.
Another thing I learned through this process is that I am all too human. As soon as I am doing well, something is bound to come my way to test how firm this foundation is. And unfortunately just because I have a good relationship with the Lord doesn't mean that I won't encounter pain and hard times. That is just part of life. How I react to the painful time when it comes my way and who I lean on for help through that trial, I think that is where the difference lies. That is where the real progress can be seen.
So, one at a time I laid all of my fears at his feet. And one at a time he helped me through them. I clung on to the Lord like he was a life raft and felt so very weak, but knew that he was strong enough to help me through it.
In these moments of pain or grief, we can do nothing else but cling to Christ. I am certain that this is the reason we aren't kept from these moments in our lives. If we never have these moments that bring us to our knees in full and utter dependence, we will never experience a part of our relationship with God that we are supposed to experience, and that can be a wonderful blessing.
Dependence in our culture is a terrible dirty word. It means that you are weak and can't do something on your own. But dependence on God is the moment in a Christian life when you are really the strongest. I have come to realize that I can't do anything on my own. Even getting out of bed in the morning requires prayer. That's not even a joke. I pray for the engergy to get up and then thank him for it after I achieve the arduous task.
I am actually very greateful for this trial, as strange as that may sound. Not only did it help me learn to depend even more on God, but it helped me to confront some of the characteristics that I also don't like about myself, and to try to change them. The biggest one would be this inner turmoil within myself, which by the way is also external because I have absolutely no poker face...so when something is going on in my head or my heart, you can see it written all over my face. I then walk around looking all gloomy, and this was something that I really disliked about myself.
By nature, I am actually a very happy and positive person. When I am working through a problem though, it is completely different. I wanted to learn how to work through a problem with God and be able to maintain that peace and joy, despite my circumstances. This is a very difficult lesson to learn, and I am still learning it. That human side that I can't excape means I will have ups and downs, good days and bad days, and all I can do is try to keep improving.
But as I said before, this is actually all a matter of choice. If we choose to focus on the pain, fears, and insecurities, then we make ourselves miserable. If we choose to focus on the one who will love us and care for us through everything, and who can help rid us of these issues, then we can take refuge in him and rest in his peace and security. That seems like a much better way to go through life to me. To learn to praise him in the storm:
"Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive bad?" (Job 2:10)
If you let Christ be your sanctuary, you can make it through any storm. And when you focus on him and his amazing love and care over the trial that you are experiencing, you can remain in the peace and joy of God regardless of what life throws your way. And when you are able to do that, you are able to be a testimony to people around you that no matter how big something may seem or feel, that God is bigger and he is working out all things for good.
"O God you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you;
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
beholding your power and glory.
Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you.
So I will bless you as long as I live;
in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food.
and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
when I remember you upon my bed,
and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
for you have been my help,
and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me."
Psalm 63: 1-8
This leads me into the next blog post, because learning to come to God with everything and finding comfort only in him, means also learning to wait on him and hold on to him for strength while you wait.
