Because I’m Me

So I have been MIA for a bit, as I have been sick and in general busy with work, or busy feeling sorry for myself. Ya ya, I know….boo hoo. But really, nothing is happening on the job front (although I was contacted about going for an interview for an unpaid internship with a magazine…..oh yay, student loans would love this prospect), love life front, or anything else really interesting, so I felt that I really had nothing to share. But since I don’t want everyone to leave…..not that I think there are many people reading my blog….and since I would like to finish what I started, here is yet another post.

Aside from all of my dreams and ambitions, the one thing that seems to be classically me is the way I continually embarrass myself unaware….and that has not changed. I have two instances for you that make me the quintessential example of Murphy’s law for embarrassment.

1      1. Ho ho hosiery

Beginning my new retail job (or really, let’s call it what it is – my imminent career in retail) I had a new look with my new job. Because this is a higher-end retail job, I am required to look a lot more formal than I have in the past. Bust out the panty hose! So….because I was wearing panty hose day in day out, I began to have runs and pulls in my panty hose and was reduced to fewer and fewer candidates that would not look sloppy on the job. For the record, I hate panty hose and I hate that no one has invented one yet that doesn’t snag or run. Or perhaps they have and I’m just too cheap to invest in them. At any rate, I have a bottom of the ladder retail job that doesn’t pay me enough to invest in expensive panty hose anyway. Nevertheless, I digress. So….where was I? Oh yes, ruined panty hose. So I discovered that every pair I owned had holes and runs except my thigh-high pair. You may see where this is going, but I’m going to tell you anyway. So I decide to wear this pair….this one and only pair…..to a job that requires me to stand and run around all day long. If any of you have ever worn thigh-high panty hose, you may realize that these should be primarily worn at a job where you will be predominantly sitting all day. And for good reason. In little under an hour of walking around, my panty hose gave way. I was awkwardly walking trying to keep the one leg from falling down, to no success. Luckily I was early for my shift so I was just walking around the mall instead of trying to help customers (that would have been worse and even more mortifying). However, the one leg did completely give way right in front of the hot mall security guard who 100% noticed and commented. I ran to Shopper’s Drugmart and bought a regular pair of panty hose and successfully made it through my shift without any more embarrassment. I can never look that security guard in the eye though ever again.

2       2. Ha ha hairdo

So….as my crappy job in Toronto is literally a big joke, I have started using my time more wisely. When I do have to go into the city, I make it worth my while by meeting up with friends and staying the night. Anyway, the last time I spent the night in Toronto I stayed with a loved long time friend and ex-roommate and had a great night going to see Midnight’s Children and in general catching up. Her new place, however, was quite small, but comfortable, but (and here is the important part) was lacking in mirrors. Oh yes….you definitely know where this is going. So, after showering the next morning I threw my hair up, got myself ready for the day, and we headed off to get coffee. Because we were in a no-parking area, I offered to quickly run in to get us coffee and then we could go on our way. So I did. While waiting for my coffee I notice a couple of people looking at me. Specifically a really cute guy who was taking care of his baby boy. What is it about men with children by the way? They look so attractive. Perhaps it’s the fact that you know they can commit and are actually parent material. I don’t know….but it’s hot. Anyway, I digress yet again. So, I’m trying not to think too much about the attention I’m getting from this cute stranger, and then I start slyly wiping my hand across my face thinking maybe I have something on my face. Nothing doing. I leave the coffee shop, give my friend her cup, and we go on our way. Walking through Toronto the whole day, these looks continue. People look, make eye contact, smile, and then go on their way. I start thinking “do I look good today or something in a way that I’m unaware of? Why is everyone so interested in making eye contact and smiling at me today?” After my entire day of walking around town, and meeting with a client by the way, a really big fashion design company, I finally get around to having a late lunch at a restaurant and finally look in the mirror. I have curled up hair on both sides of my head that look like little devil horns. Seriously!?!?!?!?! Could no one have said something to me all day about it!!!!! And here I was thinking that I must look pretty cute today or something, and everyone is laughing at my unfortunate hair situation. Ah such is life…..or at least my life.

So there you have it. Two rather embarrassing moments of my life as of late. Although there are many more (since these things happen on a daily basis for me) these were the two that presently come to mind. I hope they made you laugh. 

Murphy's Law: anything that can go wrong will.

So This Is Life?

I haven’t written in a little while because I haven’t had anything worthwhile happen to me lately that seemed interesting enough to write about. My days have been progressively more and more boring and I perpetually feel like I am still waiting for my life to start.

So the basic run down:

The guy from the publishing company never did email me back. Who says “I will contact you before the weekend and set up a time to meet with you next week” if they aren’t going to follow through? Again, I understand that people are busy and all, but this is the equivalent of telling children that Santa doesn’t exist…it’s building a dream and hope within someone and then throwing them crashing to the ground as you pull the rug from underneath them. Don’t act like you are going to give someone a shot and give them false hope if you really don’t have the intentions. But, again, I realize that I am inconsequential enough to know it would be easy to fall through the cracks unnoticed, even after a few follow up emails. Such is life.

And here is my problem. Life is completely overrated: your worth is very infinitesimal and there is very little on a day to day basis to get excited about. And then when there is something to get excited about, it usually doesn’t pull through. Sigh. While in school I felt that I had significant worth, there were almost daily reasons to get excited (and I know that receiving affirmation by getting good grades or getting accepted to present a paper at a conference are all trivial and nerdy to most people, but you can’t deny the feeling of worth and significance attributed to them). Anyway, while in school I never felt bored, always felt like I was accomplishing something, and always felt like I was going somewhere in life. Now that I’m actually faced with “real life” I feel like I’m going nowhere. There is no climbing of any corporate ladder. I can’t even see the ladder from where I’m standing. Did I take a wrong turn somewhere?

Everyone tells you that it will take time to get your break. I know it does, I guess it would just be nice to feel like I’m still moving towards something instead of standing still. And it would be even nicer to have a group of friends in the same situation as me, all of us going through it together. Most of my friends are already moving somewhere in their lives, whether it’s work, more school, marriage, children, etc. It doesn’t really feel like anyone else is standing still except for me.

But really, it could always be worse right? What do I really have to complain about? I do have a job, even if it’s not ideal. I just got another temporary job, at a retail store (I’m forbidden to use the name, says so in my contract). And I have to say I am thankful for this. It’s not what I studied to do, and I don’t need two degrees to do what I’m doing now, but it is what it is.

So this is why I say that life is overrated. It is what it is, and you just have to live with it. I’m dying for a little excitement, or at least some movement in some direction. Is that so wrong?

Don't let your ego hit you on the way out!

Update: Friday has come and gone and this publisher did not follow up with me. Such is life. I think I will give him till Monday evening, and then I might just email him as a friendly reminder. What do you think?

I don’t really want to seem desperate, but I really am desperate for another job.

Speaking of not wanting to appear desperate, my loneliness was palpable today as I was the only one home all day with nothing to do and nowhere to go. After many episodes of Sex and the City, I finally decided to get all dolled up just to walk to the grocery store to buy cake and icecream (completely necessary for a day at home alone watching SATC or chic flicks). Why all that effort? Because sometimes when I put enough effort into looking fantastic, it makes me feel better. Plus, anytime I go out looking like complete crap because I have been lazing around all day anyway and all I’m doing out is buying icecream to continue lazing around, I always encounter some really cute stranger who almost laughs at me because I look like a hot mess. Sweats, hoodie, and messy bun……so hot!

Anyway. Part of the leisure day in has to do with the fact that it was raining (not really like I ever have anywhere to go anyway) and partly because of a very bad mood. Regardless of some PMS going on, my bad mood was the result of everyone else having a life and no time for me. One person in particular, who I have been trying not to write about (as I really don’t want to come across as angry and bitter) but he must be mentioned now. Therapy and all.

So my complaint for the day is the “Me Monsters” (as Brian Regan calls them) who seem to think that their life is sooooooooo much more important than yours. Often these Me Monster’s when in the form of men also seem to think that their absence from your life would be soooo detrimental, so they try to string you along in some way so that you aren’t at a total loss. They can reach you, but you can never reach them, and you would be much better off if they weren’t in your life at all.

Here is my “Me Monster” encounter:

I met a guy shortly after moving back home after grad school. Originally he seemed quite nice and genuinely interested (they plan it that way), and then when his life is no longer boring; aka he is starting to get busy with work or school or what have you, then he falls off the face of the earth. The thing is, I am usually VERY good at judging this kind of thing and I had completely written him off already, but he somehow had to find a way to remain in my life. Our first “date” (I use the term date very loosely here, as it was a “hang out sort of thing”) he slept through. That’s right SLEPT THROUGH. No, he didn’t fall asleep over dinner while I was discussing my thesis, that might have actually been better; he didn’t even show up! He slept through his alarm and right through our “hang out thing.” Naturally, after about 2 ½ hours of waiting on him, about the point when my dress started making a mockery out of me, I retired to my bed, makeup still on, and completely wrote him off. I was completely content to never hear from him again. Does he kindly accept that? Absolutely not! The next day he calls apologizing profusely, making the excuse that he slept through his alarm and that workin a week of nights killed him. I don’t care if the apocalypse is going on, if you make plans with someone (particularly when YOU are the one who made the plans to begin with) you get your butt out of bed! As I’m trying to be less bitter and cynical, I decided to give him another chance. Actually, I decided to implement the 3 strikes and you’re out system. A week goes by and we finally try for a re-do. The specifics don’t really matter, but I will say that the "date" was not really worth the wait. The second strike was when he said he would call but then never did (also important to note, I had been at a funeral that day and was already feeling low - and yes, he knew this important fact). I am a completely reasonable person and I can accept that people go MIA because they have crazy busy lives, or that something comes up preventing them from calling…..all you have to do in that scenario is send a text. Or even better….don’t tell me you are going to call! I don’t actually care if you call….but I don’t appreciate sitting around waiting for a call that you supposedly want to make that will never come. Believe me, my world does not revolve around you and I would have had a completely wonderful evening without ever thinking of you. I think some guys, even if they have no follow through, just want to say SOMETHING so that you know they are still there and you can't completely forget that they exist. The third strike was dropping off the face of the earth, by which I mean no longer answering any of my texts and making absolutely no effort to get in touch with me. For the record, I don’t call…..I actually hate calling guys and refuse to be the one making that move. So no, I’m not that pathetic freak who calls 50 times and hangs up. Ewww. But I do expect to be able to reach you somehow and get an answer. Anyway, safe to say he was already off my list: the guy can’t prioritise and has no follow through. Good riddance.

BUT HERE IS WHERE IT GETS ME PISSY. All of that is normal immature male behaviour, and when you are really not all that in to me, I am a big girl and can handle it. I actually find it quite liberating; believe me, something so inconsequential cannot crush me. But when you play mind games and try to string me along with constant promises of phone calls and going out for dinner that never actually come about, why don’t you just piss off and leave me alone? Don’t worry honey, the loss of your presence and pretend friendship is really not that deep. So, I did the rational thing and put him out of my mind and out of my life. Then, he crawls back in asking for my help with something. Red flag – jerk face is using you. Again, however, I try to not be cynical and jaded and assume: maybe he has been crazy busy….I’ve been there myself. Maybe I will give him one more shot and if he disappears again, I can 100% say he is a tool, he only wants to use me, and will have justified grounds that have nothing to do with my bitterness to fully dismiss him from my life. Well, shocker. I do help him, the nice person that I am, he makes yet another faux dinner date – the “we should do dinner this week, I would really like to spend some time with you” (the type that makes you almost laugh in his face because, seriously? Do I look that dumb to you pal? Ok, sure let's do dinner....let's say approximately when hell freezes over?) – and of course, just as I predicted, he drops off the face of the earth again. Legitimately busy or not, if you don’t have time for me, I don’t have time for you.

Back to how I began this bitter diatribe, these Me Monsters seem to intervene back into your life again whenever they feel like it: I’m bored, I’m lonely, I need help with something, I, I, I, I, Me, Me, Me, Me, Myself, Myself, Myself, Myself.

Well speaking on behalf of Me, Myself and I……….I really don’t care. Please stay out of my life and delete me from your phone, because I have already deleted you from mine.

Sooooo all of that to say "little boy, please grow up. Your life is no more important than mine, and in fact, I value my own life enough to say that I would love for you to no longer be in it. Please don't let your ego hit you in the butt on your way out. Sincerely, vindicated, validated, completely right ME."

On a better note. The ice cream was on sale! Which was exciting, and it, along with the cake, was fantastic. I had a wonderful afternoon of watching high-powered female TV, spent some time with VOGUE, and now am off to read one of the classics I’ve been wanting to get to. I’m alright, I’m more than alright, I’m fabulous, and there is no one and nothing in this world that can change that. As cynical as I may be (and some concerned friends have brought this up recently), the one thing I hold onto with complete belief and hope is the truth that happiness comes from within. There is no one and nothing that can make you happy or fill the voids in life, you have to do it for yourself. And so, in contrast, there is no one that can make you feel bad about yourself unless you let them!

So I may have a crappy job, my friends are all too far away for socializing, and I have been rejected by a guy I wasn’t even interested in, but I am happy and confident and glad to be me.   

Guys, we are really not that fragile. We are completely fine if you aren't into us, just be a man and admit it. Trying to avoid it and be the "nice guy" who says he will call or that we should go out for dinner soon actually makes you "the bad guy." Be honest, we can take it, we are grown women. It's really just the never knowing that's exhausting. Stop the mindgames and stop the madness!

Sad Grad: The Job Search Continues

Wed. October 17th, the job search continues.

I recently graduated with an M.A. degree in English and despite what I told everyone when they condescendingly asked "what on earth are you going to do with an English degree," my retort smugly being "anything I want!," I am now feeling the pains of a specified Arts degree. In our technological and business minded economic infrastructure, the poor Arts student remains poor.
And yet, things could be much worse. I’m not exactly unemployed, I just have a part time job that gives me hardly any hours and isn’t even remotely close to the field I want to be in. But beggars can’t be choosers…..literally….at least I have something on my resume and enough income to pay for my transportation to and from work….well…almost.

So I spend my days off continuing the job hunt, feeling that if I put in enough hours I will eventually be handed something. I am more than willing to start at the bottom and work my way up, and I’m fully aware that this may take time, but the constant “waiting for my life to start” is getting monotonous. Ergo, my fabulous plan to take account and take responsibility. I will set goals and you must hold me accountable. Deal?

Here is a rundown of my mini successes today. As I have only been applying for work on job boards – work in publishing by the way (infamously difficult to get into) – I decided to be bold and be that annoying person who sends unsolicited resumes and cover letters begging to be noticed and taken seriously.

The result? A few people did respond and said they “aren’t currently hiring, but will keep my resume on file” and I got one successful “thanks for your resume. I will follow up with you on Friday.” All in all, one of the more successful days.

Ordinarily this is how my days off go (and reminder, I use the term days off loosely because I frequently have full weeks off, or multiple days off….my job is indeed a joke, but again better than nothing).

So this is how my regular days off go: wake up close to 9 because my alarm isn’t sent, and why would it be? Roll over and doze in-and-out till almost 11 because I’m struck by an almost depression knowing that there is really no reason to get out of bed today. Eventually I do get up and make my way down to the kitchen to finally obey my voracious stomach….only to find it a complete wreck because everyone else in the house has gone off to work and they figure that I, the work reject, having nothing better to do anyway, right? Even if I don’t, still not cool. Afterall, I didn't get two degrees just to clean up after people all day and watch tv. Not saying there is anything wrong with that, but it's sooo not my scene. Where was I? Oh yes, after eating and coffee and a few episodes of Sex and the City, or some other show – I watch TV while I eat. Why? Because I’m alone anyway and eating all by yourself is depressing as hell - I then try to find something to occupy my time: check the mail, take an aimless walk to nowhere and then come back, see if the frog that’s been living in my backyard is still there, check facebook, etc. On the good days I re-check the job boards. On the bad days I crawl back into bed and watch movie after movie.

So that’s why I say today was a good day. It’s really difficult though to feel compelled to do anything when after you have FINALLY showered and gotten “ready for the day” at 5pm, you then get back into sweatpants and a t-shirt because…really?...who are you trying to kid?....you have nowhere to go anyway. So yes, I am in a t-shirt and sweats, but I have potentially climbed a tiny bit higher out of my whole….and if not….at least I feel like I accomplished something today. Besides, the frog has been hibernating for almost a month now. New things need to start occupying my day.

On the agenda tomorrow, maybe review some grammar or brush up on my German….but one “productive day” doesn’t usually follow another. I miss my productive academic life; back when I had a million things to do every day and I felt guilty for taking 2 hours off to go watch a movie with a friend. Ahhhhh that was the life. That me hates this me. And that academic me has a point, because this me mixed up A Thousand Splendid Suns with One Hundred Years of Solitude. Not the plot, thankfully, just the titles: One Thousand Years of Solitude. Not too bad you say? Well that was prefaced with: ME “I just finished my M.A. in English and miss the stimulating literary discussions.” OTHER “really? I love literature! What are you reading right now?” ME “Oh I’m in a Gabriel Garcia Marquez phase right now.” OTHER “I love Marquez, are you reading Love in the Time of Cholera?” ME “No, that one’s next on the list, but I’m reading One Thousand Years of Solitude.” OTHER *blankly staring at me gauging my intelligence* …..sigh…..and this is why I need a real job or to get my butt back to school….my brain is melting from sheer lack of use.

This video sums up my life right now!

Welcome to my blog

So blogs are generally about ordinary people trying to do extraordinary things (like cook your way through Julia Child's cook book, or conquer the world). I'm a little more realistic. I think that I, like the majority of people out there, am no one extraordinary. So why write a blog and why would people be remotely interested in reading it? BECAUSE I'm not extraordinary! I'm a real person dealing with real issues, just like you.

So....what is my blog challenge? Well....you know the intro song to Friends "you're life's a joke, you're broke, you're love life's DOA".....yeah that one; that song pretty much sums up my life. So, my plan is to stop annoying my friends with all of my complaining and instead annoy all of you. No, kidding. I plan to divulge the pains and pleasures, the failures and successes, and hope that when I look back on my life a year from now I: (1) feel like I used my time productively, (2) feel like conditions have somewhat improved, (3) that maybe I entertained a few people along the way, (4) got a book deal of course, jk.

I’m a new grad trying to find work, maintain old and establish new friendships, and maybe eventually find a successful relationship. Right now I’m pretty 0 for 3. So, if you would like to hear about my daily struggles and giggles, probably similar to your own, and/or if you would like to cheer me on, give me advice, or even give me a great job ;) then do read on. If not, that’s ok too. This is self-indulgent and therapeutic for me, and will hopefully entertain you, or at least help you feel that your life isn’t actually all that bad after all, or that you’re not alone.


Thanks for stopping by. Enjoy!