I don’t really want to seem desperate, but I really am desperate for another job.
Speaking of not wanting to appear desperate, my loneliness was palpable today as I was the only one home all day with nothing to do and nowhere to go. After many episodes of Sex and the City, I finally decided to get all dolled up just to walk to the grocery store to buy cake and icecream (completely necessary for a day at home alone watching SATC or chic flicks). Why all that effort? Because sometimes when I put enough effort into looking fantastic, it makes me feel better. Plus, anytime I go out looking like complete crap because I have been lazing around all day anyway and all I’m doing out is buying icecream to continue lazing around, I always encounter some really cute stranger who almost laughs at me because I look like a hot mess. Sweats, hoodie, and messy bun……so hot!
Anyway. Part of the leisure day in has to do with the fact that it was raining (not really like I ever have anywhere to go anyway) and partly because of a very bad mood. Regardless of some PMS going on, my bad mood was the result of everyone else having a life and no time for me. One person in particular, who I have been trying not to write about (as I really don’t want to come across as angry and bitter) but he must be mentioned now. Therapy and all.
So my complaint for the day is the “Me Monsters” (as Brian Regan calls them) who seem to think that their life is sooooooooo much more important than yours. Often these Me Monster’s when in the form of men also seem to think that their absence from your life would be soooo detrimental, so they try to string you along in some way so that you aren’t at a total loss. They can reach you, but you can never reach them, and you would be much better off if they weren’t in your life at all.
Here is my “Me Monster” encounter:
I met a guy shortly after moving back home after grad school. Originally he seemed quite nice and genuinely interested (they plan it that way), and then when his life is no longer boring; aka he is starting to get busy with work or school or what have you, then he falls off the face of the earth. The thing is, I am usually VERY good at judging this kind of thing and I had completely written him off already, but he somehow had to find a way to remain in my life. Our first “date” (I use the term date very loosely here, as it was a “hang out sort of thing”) he slept through. That’s right SLEPT THROUGH. No, he didn’t fall asleep over dinner while I was discussing my thesis, that might have actually been better; he didn’t even show up! He slept through his alarm and right through our “hang out thing.” Naturally, after about 2 ½ hours of waiting on him, about the point when my dress started making a mockery out of me, I retired to my bed, makeup still on, and completely wrote him off. I was completely content to never hear from him again. Does he kindly accept that? Absolutely not! The next day he calls apologizing profusely, making the excuse that he slept through his alarm and that workin a week of nights killed him. I don’t care if the apocalypse is going on, if you make plans with someone (particularly when YOU are the one who made the plans to begin with) you get your butt out of bed! As I’m trying to be less bitter and cynical, I decided to give him another chance. Actually, I decided to implement the 3 strikes and you’re out system. A week goes by and we finally try for a re-do. The specifics don’t really matter, but I will say that the "date" was not really worth the wait. The second strike was when he said he would call but then never did (also important to note, I had been at a funeral that day and was already feeling low - and yes, he knew this important fact). I am a completely reasonable person and I can accept that people go MIA because they have crazy busy lives, or that something comes up preventing them from calling…..all you have to do in that scenario is send a text. Or even better….don’t tell me you are going to call! I don’t actually care if you call….but I don’t appreciate sitting around waiting for a call that you supposedly want to make that will never come. Believe me, my world does not revolve around you and I would have had a completely wonderful evening without ever thinking of you. I think some guys, even if they have no follow through, just want to say SOMETHING so that you know they are still there and you can't completely forget that they exist. The third strike was dropping off the face of the earth, by which I mean no longer answering any of my texts and making absolutely no effort to get in touch with me. For the record, I don’t call…..I actually hate calling guys and refuse to be the one making that move. So no, I’m not that pathetic freak who calls 50 times and hangs up. Ewww. But I do expect to be able to reach you somehow and get an answer. Anyway, safe to say he was already off my list: the guy can’t prioritise and has no follow through. Good riddance.
BUT HERE IS WHERE IT GETS ME PISSY. All of that is normal immature male behaviour, and when you are really not all that in to me, I am a big girl and can handle it. I actually find it quite liberating; believe me, something so inconsequential cannot crush me. But when you play mind games and try to string me along with constant promises of phone calls and going out for dinner that never actually come about, why don’t you just piss off and leave me alone? Don’t worry honey, the loss of your presence and pretend friendship is really not that deep. So, I did the rational thing and put him out of my mind and out of my life. Then, he crawls back in asking for my help with something. Red flag – jerk face is using you. Again, however, I try to not be cynical and jaded and assume: maybe he has been crazy busy….I’ve been there myself. Maybe I will give him one more shot and if he disappears again, I can 100% say he is a tool, he only wants to use me, and will have justified grounds that have nothing to do with my bitterness to fully dismiss him from my life. Well, shocker. I do help him, the nice person that I am, he makes yet another faux dinner date – the “we should do dinner this week, I would really like to spend some time with you” (the type that makes you almost laugh in his face because, seriously? Do I look that dumb to you pal? Ok, sure let's do dinner....let's say approximately when hell freezes over?) – and of course, just as I predicted, he drops off the face of the earth again. Legitimately busy or not, if you don’t have time for me, I don’t have time for you.
Back to how I began this bitter diatribe, these Me Monsters seem to intervene back into your life again whenever they feel like it: I’m bored, I’m lonely, I need help with something, I, I, I, I, Me, Me, Me, Me, Myself, Myself, Myself, Myself.
Well speaking on behalf of Me, Myself and I……….I really don’t care. Please stay out of my life and delete me from your phone, because I have already deleted you from mine.
Sooooo all of that to say "little boy, please grow up. Your life is no more important than mine, and in fact, I value my own life enough to say that I would love for you to no longer be in it. Please don't let your ego hit you in the butt on your way out. Sincerely, vindicated, validated, completely right ME."
On a better note. The ice cream was on sale! Which was exciting, and it, along with the cake, was fantastic. I had a wonderful afternoon of watching high-powered female TV, spent some time with VOGUE, and now am off to read one of the classics I’ve been wanting to get to. I’m alright, I’m more than alright, I’m fabulous, and there is no one and nothing in this world that can change that. As cynical as I may be (and some concerned friends have brought this up recently), the one thing I hold onto with complete belief and hope is the truth that happiness comes from within. There is no one and nothing that can make you happy or fill the voids in life, you have to do it for yourself. And so, in contrast, there is no one that can make you feel bad about yourself unless you let them!
So I may have a crappy job, my friends are all too far away for socializing, and I have been rejected by a guy I wasn’t even interested in, but I am happy and confident and glad to be me.
Guys, we are really not that fragile. We are completely fine if you aren't into us, just be a man and admit it. Trying to avoid it and be the "nice guy" who says he will call or that we should go out for dinner soon actually makes you "the bad guy." Be honest, we can take it, we are grown women. It's really just the never knowing that's exhausting. Stop the mindgames and stop the madness!
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