Wow, When It Rains It Sure Does Pour!

I was trying very desperately not to freak out last night, and I think I almost pulled it off. The old me would have given up, gotten in bed, and have eaten an entire bag of Oreo’s while crying. Well, I didn’t give up, I did end up in bed with a bag of Oreo’s, but I only had three, and I didn’t burst into tears. I sat there, yes upset, but trying to figure out where to go from here.

So why was I so upset? I am trying to apply for the Toronto Star one year journalism internship program (the only PAID internship in journalism/publishing history known to mankind – or at least that’s how it feels). This internship has the possibility to be a complete game changer; once you have the Toronto Star on your resume, doors miraculously just open up. Unfortunately such a good opportunity also comes with a lot of competition, what worthwhile endeavour doesn’t, and considering I completed two degrees in English, not Journalism, I’m already a little behind in the race. I do have years of journalism experience, but that has just been compromised. How so? Well, in order to apply for this internship I need to put together a portfolio of published or posted work. Ok, good so far, except that the majority of my published work (the four years worth of work for Uncharted Sounds Magazine) is now all gone. I was contacting my old boss, Lisa (the editor and chief), since last week about getting my work. She informed me that she would look, but that the hard drives had been purged once the site was disbanded. Of course, she got back to me yesterday letting me know that indeed everything was gone. Ok, breathe…these things happen, but now pretty much my entire portfolio is gone. I decided after a 5 hour car ride back from Ottawa to make another hour trip out to Waterloo where my family lives because I was convinced that I might have a copy of my portfolio still at home in my files. I had Lisa print out the physically posted documents for me (exactly how they appeared on the site) a few years ago when I applied to the Star’s summer internship program years ago. All of that driving and being stuck in traffic just to discover that I actually do not have anything here; I just have my signed contract and the documents showing that this was indeed a real publication and that I worked for them.

So I’m back to square one on the UCS documents.  So how do I rectify this? Write a very heartfelt letter to accompany the word documents I still have on my computer and hope that they understand my predicament and consider me anyway? That sounds like the only thing I can do. Stay positive Amanda, it could be worse.  

THEN I get an email from the editor and chief of Fashion Weekly Magazine, my current internship, informing me that somehow they did not get my article submission. Holy cow you have got to be kidding me?!?!?!?!?!?! I was kind of counting on having at least the one article that has evidence that it is in fact published work, now that article is being held for the next issue or will be posted on the site but not put in the magazine. Sigh. Ok, fine. Another letter explaining what happened?

I’m trying to figure out whether all of these disclaimers show a person with terrible luck who is struggling and trying her best to get ahead and is therefore someone worthy to consider for this opportunity…….or if she just seems to not have her life together and is too risky to hire. I guess I just have to try it out and see which one they land on. Like my friends keep saying with their words of encouragement, “what’s the worst that can happen…they say no? So just do it anyway.” It really makes no sense to get so upset about things that are out of my control, and it makes even less sense to let those unfortunate circumstances dictate what I can and cannot do. And really, when the worst that can happen is someone saying NO, it’s really not that menacing.

What can I apply with then? After all of the word documents and disclaimers, I am left with my self-published book of poetry (which doesn’t really seem to count or be relevant for a journalism portfolio, except for showing a range of writing capabilities), I have academic papers (a conference paper and my MA thesis…..which again probably don’t really count, other than to show research capabilities), and I have these blog posts. Hmmmm, perhaps I should have been a little less of a venting idiot and considered that this medium could be a potential portfolio in itself. In hind sight, knowing what I know now, I might have occasionally discussed the latest news crazes like I have been doing via Facebook and in my daily conversations. Yet another instance of you live and you learn.

Here is where I succeeded over my panic attack. After the third Oreo I decided that I’m still going to apply because the reality is that probably everyone on the panel reading through these applications has been in the same boat as me years before: trapped in unpaid internships and trying desperately to get anything in their field and catch that break. It’s a hard life to willingly submit to, but I know that with perseverance and an incredible amount of unwavering will-power, once I do get that break it will all be worth it. This is what I want to do with my life. I strongly believe that if you settle for a job you will be miserable, but if you work your butt off and create a career for yourself, you have the chance to be happy because you are doing something you love with your life. This is not to say that everything is sunshine and rainbows once you land that journalism or publishing job. Obviously life doesn’t work that way and there are always things that come up that will bring you down, but I will never be the type of girl to allow my circumstances to defeat me and get me to settle or compromise on anything. Settling is a waste of my time, education, and talent. So, maybe my life is a bit upside down right now and maybe I don’t get this internship because my entire portfolio is a little circumstantial instead of hard fact, but that’s not the end of the world. If I don’t apply simply because I feel that the odds are against me, then I am not doing myself any favors. It’s like the audition I went to and completely failed at….the important thing was that I still tried. At some point these efforts will pay off. Until then, it’s up to me to keep investing.