The Possibility of Positivity

It can be a really big challenge to stay positive when you are faced with so much negativity. When I was working at SCF bringing in donations for Sick Kids, there were 10 steps to success. Number one was "Have a Positive Attitude" and number two was "Maintain that Positive Attitude." That was a job where I heard "no" probably about 150 times a day, and if I was lucky 1 or 2 yeses. Of course after a while the no's tend to get to you and get you down.

I feel like that was a valuable learning experience for my life right now. Hearing "no you didn't get the job," "we decided to go in another way," "we decided to go with another candidate," or the worst one - the silence that tells you you weren't even worth getting back to. You keep thinking that once you get through all of the no's, there will eventually be a yes in there somewhere. Law of averages right? Believe it or not, I'm not all that used to hearing no. I was very fortunate enough to get into school, get a good education, and as long as I worked my butt off, I got the marks I wanted - earned actually - and I got into the schools I wanted for grad-school. No wasn't in my usual day to day life very often. Such a tiny little word, but it can have such a big affect.

So yes, I have been letting the no's control my attitude as of late. I may have started this job search with a positive attitude, but I haven't been good at maintaining it. I am now going to try to rectify that. Even though I'm in a bit of a rough patch right now, I have about a million blessings in my life every day: my family, my friends, somewhere to live, food to eat, background work and some form of income. There are always things to be thankful for. The challenge is to make an effort to see the good things, the positive things, instead of focusing on the bad or the negative. It can be hard to do, because when you're in it you feel like your drowning and it's very difficult to focus on anything else. What I have come to learn though, is that anything that is easy usually isn't worth it.

For some reason lately I've been remembering school as being easy - a blissful bubble if you will that I have been tempted to return to so that I can just curl back up my my comfort zone where I can feel good about myself and like I'm not a failure. The main reason I haven't is because I know I'll be right back here in 4 or 5 years after the PHD is done facing the same situation. I can't run from it, just perhaps delay it. And really, looking back now, school wasn't ever "easy." I wasn't even accepted into York the first time I applied because my GPA was too low (stupid chemistry marks). I had to write a letter of appeal to the dean of admissions and explain why I should be given special consideration. I outlined that I was applying for English and made note of my high English grades. Obviously my well-written and heartfelt letter worked, because I did get in, and then I made the dean's list of academic excellence every single year that I was there, was awarded multiple scholarships, and went to complete my Master's Degree on a full scholarship, but none of it was easy. I spent countless hours studying, writing papers, working my butt off. When in school I would be so stressed that I came down with weird illnesses and would get sick as soon as I had a holiday break when my body could recover. I also went through hard-core stress induced insomnia. It's kind of funny how I just sort of overlooked those things with my fantasizing of school as a comfortable escape from my present bleak reality.

Even before university, school wasn't just easy. I used to get mad that my twin could breeze by in high school without putting in much effort, while I always had to work my butt off to get the grades I wanted. However, I was never satisfied with mediocre marks. I felt like people who could be happy with the 70 lived happier lives than me, since I put so much pressure on myself to do well. The way I was feeling was all self generated. And perhaps those who are content with what they get in life are happy. I know that my personality is one that can never be happy with settling. Unless I strive for that goal and achieved it, I will never be happy until I do. But maybe, just maybe, I have been putting some of that old pressure on myself. I cannot feel upset with myself for not having a job in my field yet, because that is not something I can control. I keep thinking I must be doing something wrong, but perhaps I'm doing everything right, it just is taking longer than I would like it to. And I really must stop feeling like the world owes me anything or that I deserve anything, because that self-entitlement is absolutely off-putting. Yes, ok, so what, I have two degrees. Big deal, so do many of the other people serving my dinner at the restaurant I have up until now felt I didn't want to work at because I want to be doing something with the education I worked so hard to get. Anything worth getting is never easy to get, and you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to get there. So, if I have to go back to retail for now, then that's what I have to do. But saying I will be miserable working retail again (which, yes I have been telling people) because I was before and it feels like a step back instead of a step forward....well, refusing to step anywhere unless I can move in the one direction I want to move is not moving at all. You don't get anywhere by being stagnant.

Bringing this all back to positivity though, there are definitely things that we put on ourselves that we don't have to, and there are always choices to make with how we approach any situation. If you choose to look at the successes of everyone else around you, it will comparatively colour the way you view your own circumstances. I have been continuously brought down by seeing my other friends be successful while I'm floundering, and it's not right. They've gone through some of this too, and I should only feel happy for them and see that if they could do it, then I can too. I've also been feeling resentful that school doesn't really prepare you for life. Everything you learn in school helps you to develop your mind and adds to your personal growth, but ultimately it does not prepare you for the real world and real world disappointments. When you are in a system where as long as you work hard you get rewarded with good grades (academic currency), it doesn't prepare you for a world where working hard doesn't necessarily mean you are going to get ahead or get anywhere. However, being upset about something like that doesn't change anything. And to be fair, school did give me an impeccable work ethic and fantastic time management skills, all of which will be vital for the work-force and have maybe set me up for a full-time position at this PR firm once the internship is completed.

What I'm really trying to get at is that it makes no sense to be upset about the things you cannot change (you are just waisting your energy), you cannot let those things change you, and if you focus only on the negatives you will always lose, but if you choose to focus on the positive you will have a happier, more successful life. I'm not saying being happy and positive will land you that job, but if you are happy and positive regardless of having that job or not, then you've already won. You cannot peg your happiness on any element outside of yourself. Jobs come and go, even people come and go, so if you place your happiness on your career, your friends, your love life....they will all eventually disappoint. Happiness is a choice to see the good that you do have in your life and to enjoy it.  The possibility that positivity holds is being able to enjoy your life from day to day instead of sulk your way through it.


"Grant me the ability to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"