The Possibility of Positivity

It can be a really big challenge to stay positive when you are faced with so much negativity. When I was working at SCF bringing in donations for Sick Kids, there were 10 steps to success. Number one was "Have a Positive Attitude" and number two was "Maintain that Positive Attitude." That was a job where I heard "no" probably about 150 times a day, and if I was lucky 1 or 2 yeses. Of course after a while the no's tend to get to you and get you down.

I feel like that was a valuable learning experience for my life right now. Hearing "no you didn't get the job," "we decided to go in another way," "we decided to go with another candidate," or the worst one - the silence that tells you you weren't even worth getting back to. You keep thinking that once you get through all of the no's, there will eventually be a yes in there somewhere. Law of averages right? Believe it or not, I'm not all that used to hearing no. I was very fortunate enough to get into school, get a good education, and as long as I worked my butt off, I got the marks I wanted - earned actually - and I got into the schools I wanted for grad-school. No wasn't in my usual day to day life very often. Such a tiny little word, but it can have such a big affect.

So yes, I have been letting the no's control my attitude as of late. I may have started this job search with a positive attitude, but I haven't been good at maintaining it. I am now going to try to rectify that. Even though I'm in a bit of a rough patch right now, I have about a million blessings in my life every day: my family, my friends, somewhere to live, food to eat, background work and some form of income. There are always things to be thankful for. The challenge is to make an effort to see the good things, the positive things, instead of focusing on the bad or the negative. It can be hard to do, because when you're in it you feel like your drowning and it's very difficult to focus on anything else. What I have come to learn though, is that anything that is easy usually isn't worth it.

For some reason lately I've been remembering school as being easy - a blissful bubble if you will that I have been tempted to return to so that I can just curl back up my my comfort zone where I can feel good about myself and like I'm not a failure. The main reason I haven't is because I know I'll be right back here in 4 or 5 years after the PHD is done facing the same situation. I can't run from it, just perhaps delay it. And really, looking back now, school wasn't ever "easy." I wasn't even accepted into York the first time I applied because my GPA was too low (stupid chemistry marks). I had to write a letter of appeal to the dean of admissions and explain why I should be given special consideration. I outlined that I was applying for English and made note of my high English grades. Obviously my well-written and heartfelt letter worked, because I did get in, and then I made the dean's list of academic excellence every single year that I was there, was awarded multiple scholarships, and went to complete my Master's Degree on a full scholarship, but none of it was easy. I spent countless hours studying, writing papers, working my butt off. When in school I would be so stressed that I came down with weird illnesses and would get sick as soon as I had a holiday break when my body could recover. I also went through hard-core stress induced insomnia. It's kind of funny how I just sort of overlooked those things with my fantasizing of school as a comfortable escape from my present bleak reality.

Even before university, school wasn't just easy. I used to get mad that my twin could breeze by in high school without putting in much effort, while I always had to work my butt off to get the grades I wanted. However, I was never satisfied with mediocre marks. I felt like people who could be happy with the 70 lived happier lives than me, since I put so much pressure on myself to do well. The way I was feeling was all self generated. And perhaps those who are content with what they get in life are happy. I know that my personality is one that can never be happy with settling. Unless I strive for that goal and achieved it, I will never be happy until I do. But maybe, just maybe, I have been putting some of that old pressure on myself. I cannot feel upset with myself for not having a job in my field yet, because that is not something I can control. I keep thinking I must be doing something wrong, but perhaps I'm doing everything right, it just is taking longer than I would like it to. And I really must stop feeling like the world owes me anything or that I deserve anything, because that self-entitlement is absolutely off-putting. Yes, ok, so what, I have two degrees. Big deal, so do many of the other people serving my dinner at the restaurant I have up until now felt I didn't want to work at because I want to be doing something with the education I worked so hard to get. Anything worth getting is never easy to get, and you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to get there. So, if I have to go back to retail for now, then that's what I have to do. But saying I will be miserable working retail again (which, yes I have been telling people) because I was before and it feels like a step back instead of a step forward....well, refusing to step anywhere unless I can move in the one direction I want to move is not moving at all. You don't get anywhere by being stagnant.

Bringing this all back to positivity though, there are definitely things that we put on ourselves that we don't have to, and there are always choices to make with how we approach any situation. If you choose to look at the successes of everyone else around you, it will comparatively colour the way you view your own circumstances. I have been continuously brought down by seeing my other friends be successful while I'm floundering, and it's not right. They've gone through some of this too, and I should only feel happy for them and see that if they could do it, then I can too. I've also been feeling resentful that school doesn't really prepare you for life. Everything you learn in school helps you to develop your mind and adds to your personal growth, but ultimately it does not prepare you for the real world and real world disappointments. When you are in a system where as long as you work hard you get rewarded with good grades (academic currency), it doesn't prepare you for a world where working hard doesn't necessarily mean you are going to get ahead or get anywhere. However, being upset about something like that doesn't change anything. And to be fair, school did give me an impeccable work ethic and fantastic time management skills, all of which will be vital for the work-force and have maybe set me up for a full-time position at this PR firm once the internship is completed.

What I'm really trying to get at is that it makes no sense to be upset about the things you cannot change (you are just waisting your energy), you cannot let those things change you, and if you focus only on the negatives you will always lose, but if you choose to focus on the positive you will have a happier, more successful life. I'm not saying being happy and positive will land you that job, but if you are happy and positive regardless of having that job or not, then you've already won. You cannot peg your happiness on any element outside of yourself. Jobs come and go, even people come and go, so if you place your happiness on your career, your friends, your love life....they will all eventually disappoint. Happiness is a choice to see the good that you do have in your life and to enjoy it.  The possibility that positivity holds is being able to enjoy your life from day to day instead of sulk your way through it.


"Grant me the ability to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"

Is my break finally coming?

I haven’t been updating this blog as much as I should be, mostly because I was feeling pretty down, and more recently very very very busy. I’ve been running around like crazy for two weeks now trying to get articles done before my deadline and working like crazy for this PR internship, all the while the background work has kind of dried up for the time being, so I have no money coming in. It was starting to get to me.

But, because I am not the type of person that does anything half-heartedly, there was no question of me not working my absolute hardest for these internships (these are the job opportunities that I do have right now), pay or no pay; if I’m in something I’m in it and will put all of my effort into it…that’s just the way I am. I was worried though, because it felt like these internships were taking up so much of my time, time that I should have been diligently applying for PAID work. There is never a guarantee of a paid position upon the completion of an internship. More often than not you move on with one more thing to add to your resume and a good reference, or if you’re lucky things to add to your portfolio, but you are back to looking for that next thing. I actually do enjoy both of these internships though, so I can’t complain too much about them, but when you are worried about paying rent…it puts things into perspective…a very stressful perspective.

Yesterday, however, even though I felt like I was doing work way beyond the duties of an intern and that no one really cared or thought the same, I actually got feedback and was thanked for all of my hard work. My boss’s words: “I am going to make sure that you get an extra bonus at the end. You are doing so much and I really appreciate it. I will do my best to keep you happy because I love working with you. You are really good at this job.”

It felt so nice. I don’t need to receive praise or recognition to know the value of my work, but it definitely helps to make me feel like it’s not all for nothing and it’s not going unnoticed. I particularly appreciated this little boost because I was beginning to think that I needed to change my tactics. One of my best friends always likes to point out that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result. I was beginning to wonder if maybe this was me. Part of my problem, though, was that I wasn’t sure what else to try at this point…so I had to just keep doing what I have been doing and hope that the quality of my work would speak for itself. Now it seems it has.

PR is actually a good spot for me to be in right now for networking. Just from helping with being the Media Liaison for one event, I now have access to over 400 media contacts, most of which are magazines and newspapers. In an industry that is all about who you know and making the right connections, I would say that I could be on the right track.

Like I said in recent posts, I really do feel like something is about to change. I feel like maybe I’m about to get my break. All good things come to those who work their butt off and never give up. 

 

When there are no more words to say...

I was trying very hard to keep this out of my blog because I don't have a single positive thought left in my body regarding this, so instead of the long political rant and full blown academic essay I started and deleted about 20 times, I am just going to give up trying all together. I am now done discussing Trayvon and Zimmerman. I have been progressively getting more and more upset since Saturday and the words are choking in my throat. I am also losing respect for people and their ignorant comments; some people I never would have even considered would say such things. I have decided to now tread softly because the ignorant and those who choose to sleep to the truth are far too many and it really upsets me to the very bone. Ignorance is not bliss; ignorance is destructive and as we can clearly see....it kills. Simon Peter Andrew Martin, your #teamwakeup comment partially inspired this. We do need to wakeup, because ignorant sleepwalkers are all around us and they are so very dangerous.

Instead of going off the rails and ranting uncontrollably, I'm going to share the monologue I memorized for a recent audition. It is so suitable because it is a discussion of ignorance:

"I am an invisible man. No, I am not a spook like those who haunted Edgar Allan Poe; nor am I one of your Hollywood-movie ectoplasms. I am a man of substance, of flesh and bone, fiber and liquids - and I might even be said to possess a mind. I am invisible, understand, simply because people refuse to see me. Like the bodiless heads you see sometimes in circus sideshows, it is as though I have been surrounded by mirrors of hard, distorting glass. When they approach me, they see only my surroundings, themselves, or figments of their imagination - indeed, everything and anything except me. Nor is my invisibility exactly a matter of a biochemical accident to my epidermis. That invisibility to which I refer occurs because of a peculiar disposition of the eyes of those with whom I come in contact. A matter of the construction of their inner eyes, those eyes with which they look through their physical eyes upon reality. I am not complaining, nor am I protesting either. It is sometimes advantageous to be unseen, although it is most often rather wearing on the nerves. Then too, you're constantly being bumped against by those of poor vision. Or again, you often doubt if you really exist. You wonder whether you aren't simply a phantom in other people's minds. Say, a figure in a nightmare which the sleeper tries with all his strength to destroy. It's when you feel like that, our of resentment, you begin to bump people back. And, let me confess, you feel that way most of the time. You ache with the need to convince yourself that you do exist in the real world, that you're a part of all the sound and anguish, and you strike out with your fists, you curse and you swear to make them recognize you. And, alas, it's seldom successful. I remember that I am invisible and walk softly so as not to awaken the sleeping ones. Sometimes it is best not to awaken them; there are few things in the world as dangerous as sleepwalkers. I learned in time though that it is possible to carry on a fight against them without their realizing it [...] I was pulled this way and that for longer than I can remember. And my problem was that I always tried to go in everyone's way but my own. I have been also been called one thing and then another while no one really wished to hear what I called myself. So after years of trying to adopt the opinions of others I finally rebelled. I am an invisible man."

                                                                   Ralph Ellison "Invisible Man"

#R.I.P.TrayvonMartin. Our thoughts and prayers are with you Martin family. I am so very sorry that this happened to you; this is something that should never happen to anyone. 

Whatever happened to basic human decency?

I contemplated not writing this blog post because I was furious about this all day and it doesn’t really keep to the positive vibe I try to maintain in this blog…..nevertheless, I feel like it must be said.

Today was a particularly rough day. It started off fantastic – breakfast and chit-chat with my housemate is always a good day starter – and I was really excited to be going to the GUESS holiday preview. This is an event that I spent time in advance planning out my outfit for (in hind sight now wishing I had picked something different). Any of you who really know me also know that I never put time and effort into choosing an outfit….well, hardly ever. So, yes…I was excited.

No, this isn’t a story about me being made fun of for the outfit that I invested so much time into or anything like that; I wish it was that small. My traumatic day is much worse. I was heading to the bus stop and was maliciously attacked by a bug that decided to fly right up my nose. No, it didn’t just hit my face….it went right up my nose. So, I began blowing my nose to try and get it out, all the while coughing because it started to feel like it was in my throat, which lead to me throwing up on the side of the road (and trying desperately to not get anything on my outfit, since I put so much effort into it). Believe it or not, this isn’t the traumatic part; I wish it was that small.

While I’m throwing up on the side of the road, I saw a car drive past me with the driver clearly taking note of what was going on. Or so I thought. He most certainly took note of me. Once I was finished purging the unwanted foreign body from my own, I was walking back toward the bus bench and low-and-behold this car comes back around. The occupant was a younger male, could have been no more than 30, and he seemed to be asking me if I was ok. I said that I was and thanked him for his concern. He then proceeded to ask me if I could give him directions. The first place he asked directions to I couldn’t help him out with since I had no clue how to get there, so he then asked for a more general and well known location which I was familiar with. I stepped a little closer to the car so that he could hear my directions better, and at this point – after at least 15 seconds of talking to this guy already – I then realize that he was talking to me with penis in hand. I was being a kind person trying to help out, and he was being a skeezy perv just helping himself. I was so unbelievably insulted, violated, and just ridiculously upset. I backed away from the car clearly furious and he drove off. If I had been able to see his license plate I would have called the cops because as far as I’m concerned, that’s a form of sexual assault.

Yes, I promise, that’s as bad as my day gets. Can it really get much worse than that? The only thing that makes this story worse is that this isn’t the first time this has happened to me. Each time this unbelievably violating experience occurs, I am in the most innocent-looking clothing too. Today I had on a long skirt that pretty much went down to my ankles, with a high waist, and a cropped white lace top with capped sleeves. Because of the high waist on the skirt there was no midriff skin really showing and the most you could see was some of my arms and my ankles and whatever my sandals didn’t cover of my feet; the time before I was even more innocent looking. Of course the fact that I look like a pre-teen even though I’m in my mid 20’s makes this even worse; these pervs are preying on young, innocent, and vulnerable girls. It sickens me to my very core. What is behind this desire to defile innocence?

I told one person this story today and the response I got was “that’s a price you have to pay for being pretty I guess.” NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! In no way is that something that should be expected or accepted. I keep on hearing this same issue come up over and over again and I'm so tired of hearing it: blaming the victim. It doesn’t matter how pretty a girl is, she shouldn’t have to expect and accept such lewd and unwanted attention. Just like it is never a woman’s fault if she gets rapped, no matter how she is dressed, and it is not the fault of the young black boy wearing a hoodie walking home with a pop and a bag of skittles that he got shot.

Oh yes, I went there. RIP Trayvon Martin, you are a martyr and George Zimmerman is an ignorant racist cold-hearted fool who, if he doesn’t get what is coming to him through the legal system, will most certainly have to watch his back because it will be the biggest outrage of this century.

Ok, enough of the highly political aside. All I’m wondering is, on what planet is this behaviour ok? Where have all of the good men gone? Where are all of the gentlemen? I’m not really expecting a man to come up to me on the street and tell me that I have bewitched him body and soul – although that would be fantastic! – I just don’t understand how it is possibly too difficult to merely say “hi, I find you attractive, here is my number should you care to have an innocent coffee with me at some point in the near future. The ball is in your court.” I really don’t think that I am asking too much here.

No, instead I get hot-and-bothered psychos who usually skip any form of talking and go right to personally treating themselves. Sick. Very very sick. I think I’m going to invest in pepper spray and make sure that if this ever happens again, the perv will NEVER do this to any other girl ever again because all he’ll be able to think about is the sheer burning for days that he experienced last time, and it probably won’t be just his eyes.

I guess all I can say is:

               

Where have all the good men gone

and where are all the gods?

            Where’s the street-wise Hercules

            To fight the rising odds?

            Isn’t there a white knight

upon a fiery steed?

Late at night I toss and I turn

And I dream of what I need.

I need a hero

I’m holding out for a hero till the end of the night

He’s gotta be strong

And he’s gotta be fast

And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight.

I need a hero

I’m holding out for a hero till the morning light

He’s gotta be sure

And he’s gotta be soon

And he’s gotta be larger than life!

Today I Smiled at Buildings and Birds

I went to hand deliver my application package to the Toronto Star today. I’m sure handing in an application on the actual deadline date is bad form, but at least it’s in. Now I feel like all of that scurrying about and hard work to get everything together is behind me and I can finally relax. Well, sort of. Of course I’m still unemployed and this might not come through, so I have to keep looking for work, as well as remain anxious to hear back regarding this application. But at least it’s all out of my hands right now.  

I have to say though, I was feeling ridiculously sick this morning (probably my allergies) and it was such a rainy and miserable day that the thought of heading in to Toronto JUST to drop off this application package felt daunting. I was cursing myself that I didn’t have everything done sooner so that I could have mailed it in before the deadline and would have been free to stay in bed all day today. Oh well, that’s not what happened. However, I am now really glad that I went in person, because once I was walking down Harbourd St. coming up to Yonge and saw the Toronto Star building, I actually got butterflies in my stomach. This may not seem like a big deal….but I haven’t felt butterflies about anything for such a long time. Some people believe that butterflies are really just fear – in most cases fear of unrequited feelings, but fear nonetheless. I think that in some cases perhaps that can be true, but getting butterflies for me is a feeling of pure excitement and desire. Again, let me stress, I haven’t felt like this in a very long time. I realized in that instant just how much I wanted this. I felt pretty ridiculous that just seeing the building made me feel giddy, it’s not like I hadn’t ever seen it before, but somehow this time was different.

If that doesn’t sound melodramatic enough, I actually stopped before walking into the building, took a breath, and then proceeded through the turning door. Yes I know…I kind of wanted to slap me too. Weirdly enough, though, once I got inside I had this feeling that I just belonged there…..regardless of the reality that I had no idea where to go. I only once ever felt such a feeling of belonging to a place that I had never actually been to before, and that was when I visited Paris. With Paris it was a connection to the roots I was always looking for but could never seem to find. Today though, this was about something different; again this is going to sound melodramatic, but it was about a sense of purpose or destiny. I know I’m counting my chickens well before they hatch, and perhaps I’m waiting on what I believe are eggs about to hatch and really they are boiled eggs, but I’m ok with getting excited about this right now, even though I may be getting my hopes up. The way I see it, if something feels that right….in the end it can’t be wrong. Maybe I won’t get in this time around, but I know that I’m going to keep applying until I do. And maybe when I do get in, it won’t be at the intern level.

Or maybe I am putting a little too much thought into this. I’m sure if I walked through the doors of any Random House affiliate to apply for an internship position I would feel those same butterflies and feeling of belonging. Perhaps it’s not as much a feeling of destiny as it is drive, motivation, and purpose. Perhaps the reason I felt so at home is because I do belong in a place like that and for the first time I feel like I’m finally actually applying for and getting closer to work in my field. Yet again, maybe this is all wishful thinking, but I just have this gut feeling like something is about to finally turn around for me. This isn’t me being overly confident about my application; to be honest I feel like my portfolio is lacking and that there are probably several more qualified people applying for this internship than me. I think maybe this is merely a feeling of me crawling out of my emotional hole. Nothing has really changed except how I am feeling and looking at things. I’m too realistic to believe that just wanting something more than everyone else gets you it; if this were true a lot of things in my life would be different. But I think that with positivity comes change. So, will I be bummed if I don’t get this internship? Sure. But that was always a very high possibility. What I won’t do is get back into my bed and cry. On to the next, on to the next. Something is just around the corner. I can feel it. And I’m so ready for it. 

Oh yes I CAN have opinions on things other than my own issues

In the interest of including more journalism worthy material on my blog, I've decided to copy here the article I wrote for "Women Who Run It" magazine. This was written as part of the interview process - a long three week ordeal, at the end of which the editor and chief told me I "light up when I talk about my writing" and that I was better suited for a writing position (which at the entry level is ALWAYS an unpaid internship). A very frustrating but valuable experience.

Here is that article:

Mayer As Poor Working-Woman Example

AMANDA LABELLE

 

It is perhaps old news now of Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer’s Feb 26, 2013 edict ending work-from-home. Many journalists grappled with the implications, assuming that this edict was a motion to promote the rise of brainstorming and high-work efficiency within the company, while others critiqued the need for Silicon Valley to rise to the ever-changing workscape and embrace the advantages of telecommuting. Of course some focused on the general unfair treatment of the Yahoo workers and what this new decree meant for them and their livelihood. What I feel really needs to be discussed, however, and has so far been overlooked are the implications of Mayer’s actions for working women. 

Concern has been expressed regarding the fate of the current work-from-home employees and their loss of employment; however, some unprofitable political debate has arisen by centering this discussion primarily on women. This is not the feminist critique that is needed here and is in fact slightly insulting because it displays that our thinking about gender roles hasn’t really improved all that much in the last couple of decades. In fact, those work-from-home parents are increasingly more and more work-from-home fathers. Although this particular fact is not really news, as there has been a steady increase in work-from-home fathers year after year, it is a fact that has been overlooked in the current debate. According to Alex Williams’ Aug 10 2012 article in the New York Times, the once inconsequential number of American stay-at-home fathers has “more than doubled” in the last decade. Williams notes that according to recent United States census data 176,000 left the work force entirely to offer paternal care and 626,000 to work from home. Therefore, even if the stay-at-home parental role is still predominantly a female one, this is not the area which requires critique.  

Of course this is not to say that I don’t empathize with these men and women, I most certainly do; however, I feel the real danger or cause for concern is the pedestal that Marissa Mayer has been placed on. Leaving Google for Yahoo, Mayer became a poster-woman for the hard-working mother; a woman to be respected and admired. Yet this is not a role that was warranted or desired – Mayer, having blatantly stated herself that she is not a feminist, perpetuates unprofitable stereotypes of feminism and should not be held up as an example for women. 

Regardless of Mayer's stance on feminism, the real concern is that this “hard-working mom” returned to work a mere two weeks postpartum. I am an advocate for strong female role models with impeccable work ethics, but this gesture was none of those things. What this gesture actually aimed to prove was that Marissa Mayer, as a woman, had what it takes to participate in a man’s world. In publicly declaring that she would only take a two week maternity leave, the tough as nails Mayer was actually declaring that she is above the need for a maternity leave and that the importance of her work at Yahoo took priority over her maternal responsibilities. I want to be clear that I am not speaking ill of any woman’s desire to return to work and take a shorter maternity leave, nor that I believe these women are neglecting their maternal responsibilities, I am merely noting that doing so as a political statement is crippling. In making this statement and power-play Mayer illegitimates maternity leave and makes those who take full leave look corporately undesirable. 

What is most concerning is that this statement and her actions risk re-affirming the “motherhood penalty” within the work place. Since the emergence of forced maternity leave, women have been afforded more job security; however, if the social statement of female CEO’s is that maternity leave is illegitimate, then those who return to work faster will eventually be given higher consideration for work and compensation than those who don’t. Already making less than men and their female counterparts who are not mothers, the working mother is now doomed to a corporate stunt of having to prove her dedication to the job over family by shortening her maternity leave. This goes against all of the work put into fighting for maternity leave in the first place. 

Moreover, the fact that Mayer regards maternity leave so lightly also speaks to her corporate position. The only reason Mayer was able to return to work so quickly was because she had the influence and financial means to build a daycare beside her office. Therefore, her social statement becomes one of privilege and places the common working mother in an impossible position. It is an unfortunate reality that the ones who need maternity leave the most and who are constantly overlooked are the disenfranchised women who don’t even meet the legal requirements for leave in the first place. The underprivileged women who do not work at a company that employs over 50 people, who have not worked at a company long enough, or who have a position that does not allow them to log the necessary hours are not entitled to maternity leave under the Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993 (FMLA). This total disregard for maternity leave, then, on Mayer’s part becomes a slap in the face to mothers everywhere, especially for those who don’t even have this luxury. Laura Jennings (Roanoke College) speaks to this concern on the current state of maternity leave policies in her essay Feminist Theory and Maternity Leave: A Feminist Critique of Maternity Leave Policies in the United States, noting that “although some progress has been made with maternity leave policies at the international level, maternity leave policies in the United States remain unfair – tending to enforce rather than remove inequality in the work place” (3). Mayer, in her very public declaration, has indeed perpetuated this issue; her actions directly contribute to existing prejudices spurring inequality for women in the work place. By undermining the legitimacy of maternity leave and by making herself an example of the working-woman, Mayer pushes back women’s rights and throws the real everyday-working-women yet again back into a fight against the motherhood penalty, fair compensation, and continued employment.