A Little Bit of Ellespiration

I haven’t written in a while because I kind of got lost in a cloud of doom and gloom and didn’t want to seep that poison out into the universe. I've also been without internet and that's slightly essential for any blog post. Nevertheless, here is a little bit that has been going on in my life as of late.

November was particularly rough because I found myself without money, without a job, and suddenly without a place to live. Remarkably enough, I managed to rectify the job and living situation within two weeks and then the money eventually followed. What job you ask? Old faithful - retail. I’m currently employed in a junior management position with Calvin Klein. So, essentially, I’m pretty much exactly where I was one year ago…working retail (which I hate) and making do for the time being until something else finally comes along. I have to be thankful though, because I found a job quickly when I was in serious need of money, one that guarantees me 40 hrs a week, and I found a very reasonable place to live with two wonderful roommates. With a steady dependable paycheck, I’m slowly working towards getting back on my feet. All things to be thankful for indeed.

And yet, grumbly old me, despite feeling relieved that I could pay rent, buy food, and not have to move back in with my parents, I was still feeling hopelessly depressed and lost. I felt like I was back tracking, because back to retail, back to essentially what I was doing before, felt in no way like a step forward in my career. And perhaps it’s not, but perhaps forward isn’t the only way to move.

I was fortunate enough to attend the Elle Canada Shine On nail event held this past Wed Dec 11^th at Tips Nail Spa in Toronto. Not only was this a wonderfully relaxing event that allowed me to feel pampered (which I have been in desperate need of), but I got to walk away with a fantastic goodie bag and even more fantastic advice. My entire reason for going to this event was actually to network. I knew Elle magazine editors would be there, and if they were there and accessible…then you better believe that I was going to be there and be bending their ears. And bend I did. I managed to have a wonderful conversation with Vanessa Craft, the Elle Canada Beauty Director, about the industry, the magazine, and how she got to where she is today. The story sounds remarkably similar to what I’m going through right now, and she also gave me the advice to not only freelance but to continue to foster these connections that I make because in the end it is still all about who you know. I haven’t been freelancing because my confidence has been shot. In fact, just hours before this event I was laying in bed in a pit of self pity and depression and wondering if I should even go. Somehow, though, after leaving the Elle event I felt confident again and like I was ready for the next challenge coming my way. And no, it wasn’t just giddiness from the chocolate and wine.

The best advice that Vanessa gave me was to find my voice and to start to specialize. I’ve written so widely and been jumping on every internship opportunity to diversify my portfolio and show a breadth of experience, but now the best thing that I can do is show confidence and expertise in one area. If that is going to be fashion and beauty, then that’s what I need to devote all of my time to and my freelancing efforts. She also told me that I need a blog specific to this chosen area. So, within the new year I will start another blog just for fashion and beauty and I guess we’ll see where that goes.

Ultimately, though, the most important thing for me to do right now is find my voice. For too long I have been so concerned with just finding work in my field, any work, that I have been spreading myself way too thin. I have been able to rule out a lot of what I don’t want to do, but I haven’t yet found my niche. I never really thought that it would be fashion and beauty, but this is the direction that I’m being pulled in for the time being.

So, my new plan is to embrace the structure and financial security that my current retail job brings – however unbearable it may be sometimes to be back in a job environment that I really don’t want to be in – and use it to move forward. For the short term this means using my days off to actually write: update my blogs, write freelance articles, and maybe even work on my creative writing. Like I said before, I can’t call myself a writer if I’m not writing. This next important step, the step that comes after the insane amount of work for no pay called internships, is called getting my name out there. I can network at parties and events, but until I actually start submitting freelance articles so that the magazines repeatedly see my name, it doesn’t really mean much. Maintaining any of the connections I do make is still crucial though, because hopefully if I leave a lasting impression, they will remember speaking to me when my article comes across their desks. In the long term, this may even mean moving out of the sales portion of Calvin Klein and into the corporate and design portions. There are always ways to move within a company. This is why I stated earlier that maybe I don’t need to be moving forward. It was Vanessa that suggested to me a sort of lateral shift. A corporate position at Calvin Klein as opposed to a sales/management retail position could do wonders for a later position at a fashion and beauty magazine. After all, Calvin Klein is a very recognizable brand and many of the editors at the leading fashion magazines in Canada have all worked or are still working with some of these higher-end fashion brands.

It’s time for me to grow up. Being miserable and upset that my life doesn’t look the way I want it to look is ultimately a choice. Sometimes it is really difficult not to get overwhelmed by it, but I need to stop falling back into depression, because when I do that I’m my own worst enemy. I feel trapped and I am trapped, because as long as I lay in bed depressed I’m not doing anything to change the circumstances that I’m presently trapped in. I knew when I started this that it wouldn’t be easy. I may have hit some pretty big bumps in the road, but the only choice is to keep going. Now that I have some perspective and a renewed Ellespiration, I think that I will pull myself out of this stalemate and closer towards the next thing to come my way.