I am Painting Beautiful Flowers and Checking Things Off of My Bucket List

Despite starting the new job and telling myself that it’s a step in the right direction and that it has left me a heck of a lot more financially stable than I have ever been, I went through a bit of a rough week last week. I was getting over a bad cold (which never helps things) and I was feeling stuck and directionless again. I began to doubt whether this move was really going to help me, and I became restless. Obviously it isn’t exactly what I want to do, so there are obviously going to be moments when I don’t particularly like what I am doing. I have so many things on my bucket list that I want to accomplish, both career oriented and personal goals, and I keep on feeling like I am so far from achieving them.

Well, that’s my main problem; I am always so concerned with where things are going that I tend to miss out on the present. I spend so much time worrying about the future and feeling anxious about the fact that I can’t clearly see how I am going to achieve my goals and get into that dream career, that I make myself miserable on a daily basis. It’s true that knowing you have a problem and doing something to fix that problem are two very different things, but I am actively trying to fix it, because I also realized that life is a whole lot more enjoyable if I stop looking around at what others have or have accomplished and comparing myself to them. It is much better to embrace the good things about your present circumstance than to dwell on the things that still aren’t what you want them to be.

Often my problem stems from feeling unaccomplished and like I am not moving forward, mostly because I haven’t set any smaller attainable goals for myself. This past week I decided to rectify that. Yes, yes…..I want to get into publishing, and yes I’ve still been applying, but all of the applications lately all stipulate a minimum 1 year of office experience. That alone tells me that I am exactly where I need to be right now. So, once I accepted that, I decided to think about what other dreams I had of accomplishing that I as of yet haven’t. Two that immediately came to mind were getting my TESL certification (yes, back when I was sure I was going to Thailand this was at the top of my list), and I have always said that I would like to speak at least 5 languages. Well, why put off to tomorrow what you can do today? After all, procrastination is the thief of time right? I signed up for a TESL certification course that I am currently completing in the evenings after work, and I have acquired language learning software for French, German, and Italian. The first I need to brush up on, the second I want to keep practicing so I don’t lose it, and the third I just want to learn for me. I’ve been telling people how much I miss school and how much I miss learning, but the truth is that you don’t need to be in an institution to keep learning. Part of my restlessness and unhappiness too was that I wasn’t challenging myself, so I think these will provide a good amount of stimuli and challenge for the time being.

This made me realise a really beneficial perk to my job – having a predictable schedule. Since I know that I work the exact same hours every day, this allows me to plan to use my free time for other things. I’ve made more time with friends, going out and trying things that I’ve always wanted to: for example, my best friend Alysha and I went to a paint night the other week where we drank wine, talked, laughed, and created a beautiful painting. It was almost therapeutic for me, because my creative outlet has been non-existent as of late and the writer in me is starving for any form of artistic expression. This served as a nudging reminder for about the billionth time that I really need to start writing that book, but that’s another story for another day. To come back to the point I have rambled away from, having a set schedule has actually given me the freedom to fit more fun and fulfillment into my life, so how can I not be happy about that? Life, after all, is a lot more than work, and even when I do get that dream job, if I haven’t figured out a way to incorporate other things into my life by then, I still won’t be happy.  

Those are all things outside of work, but I’ve decided to try and challenge myself in my work too so that I am not so miserable about how I am spending my work hours either. On Monday I decided to challenge myself at work by simply enjoying my job for what it is, enjoying the people I work with, and kicking butt at my job. I am all settled in now and I’ve got a good routine going. I’ve also been only looking at the positive, and I’ve been a beam of sunshine at work, which I know everyone has noticed (especially after seeing me miserable and sick). Most of all though, I decided to use my work to create something to challenge me: I created a blog for my company. It gives me the writing outlet that I need and keeps me from feeling like I am not doing anything remotely close to my field, and on the plus side it benefits the company as well. I spent most of Monday working on it, and I have to say I am actually pretty proud of it. Not only will it keep me challenged and stimulated at work, but it will also add more news related writing to my portfolio; a definite plus if/when I apply to newspapers again.

Yes indeed things are looking a lot brighter these days, but only because I choose to look on the bright side. I still have people trying to put me down with their negativity on a daily basis, but to be honest….I hate being miserable. Things are good right now; there is really nothing to complain about. So yes, maybe I am overqualified and way too educated for the job I’m currently doing, but I am gaining the necessary experience I need, I am sitting in a financially comfortable position, and I am adding other things to my life that is making it more meaningful and worthwhile. There is really no stopping me from incorporating anything into my life that will make me feel happy and fulfilled: whether that is making time to write, to learn a new language, to gain a certification or take publishing classes, to take dance classes even, to do yoga, or just to spend some valuable time with friends having a good time. You can always focus on what isn’t happening, what isn’t going right, but then you are missing out on so much of your life and so many opportunities to be happy. I have made the conscious choice to be happy, and that is after all the number one thing on my bucket list. 

Finally, An Update

I haven’t written in quite a while, which is a terrible shame, but to be fair, the last time I tried to write I encountered some technological glitches with my blog, as so since I didn’t have the time or patience to figure them out, I just sort of let it fall to the side.

I hate when I let myself do that though. It’s not really that I think people are waiting to hear what I have to say next, it’s more of a fact that I need to constantly be forcing myself to write daily. If I’m ever going to get anywhere with it, I need it to be a well-trained daily practice.

I also need to stimulate my mind and awaken my creativity. Since my day-job now consists of a lot of data entry and repetitive clerical work, my brain is feeling quite starved for something stimulating and challenging.

Perhaps that is where I should begin: the new job.

My blog post that never got posted was on this new job. But I will briefly talk about it now. I am working as an administrative assistant at a recruitment firm. I’m essentially a glorified secretary, but I am also in charge of social media and I’m an in-house writer (which means I get to write reference letters, as well as edit and format resumes – not particularly stimulating, but at least it’s writing). It was actually pretty nice of them to try and accommodate my interests and talents into this role. In the interview even they mentioned that they knew this would just be a stepping stone for me, but that they would try to throw work my way that fit my expertise. They also mentioned that whenever I was ready to move on, that they would help me do that.

So, although it is not exactly what I want to do yet, I am very grateful to be working in a place with such nice people and I honestly feel like it can only go up from here (which I’ve said before, but I really do feel like I am on my way now). This isn’t a job I announce with pride yet when people ask me what I do, but it is giving me some necessary office experience that will add to my resume significantly. Plus benefits and vacation time are always a very nice bonus.

I’m finally feeling, financially at least, like things are picking up, since now I don’t have to worry about paying rent and bills, and I can FINALLY start paying back my OSAP. It’s not the dream, but it’s good for right now.

I also have plenty of downtime here, so I can keep looking for work in my field too.

There’s not much else going on with me. I miss set life (mostly the social aspect, although work on set is just fun in general). Every time my agent emails me I get this feeling of wanting to drop everything and run back to it, but I won’t ever do that. It’s time to grow up and stop playing dress up. Perhaps I will still be able to do the occasional weekend shoot though. We’ll see.

Speaking of socializing though, I am actually a lot more capable of doing that now that I have a set schedule that I can plan around. I have been making more time for my friends and going out and doing things that I’ve never done before, or never had time for. For example, I went to a painting class with my best friend this past week. It was so much fun and I loved the ability to relax and be creative. This open time that I now have in the evenings and on weekends is so important for me, because I know a lot of my unhappiness was stemming from a lack of socializing and fun. It’s always a secondary thing, but it is so important. It really keeps us functioning and mentally healthy.

So all in all I guess I would say that I’m in a good place right now and just taking things as they come and am excited for the next thing, whenever it may come.

For Auld Lang Syne My Dear?

So it’s the New Year; a time for resolutions and a time to let go of the year behind and plan for the year ahead. It is a strange time of finality and possibility, because the year behind is now done and there is nothing else that can be done differently, while the year ahead is full of infinite possibilities of what can change and what can be accomplished. I am trying to stay on the positive side of it all and think that this year has some much better things in store for me or more specifically that I will accomplish more of what I have set out to accomplish.

Traditionally New Years is perceived as positive and hopeful, but one thing I have always felt is that there is indeed a sadness to it all. One thing that has always evoked these feelings is the traditional song sung for New Years Auld Lang Syne.  I for some reason have always found this song to be rather melancholic, but then I decided to look into the song a bit more and find out the roots and what it actually means.

Auld Lang Syne was actually a poem written by one of my favorite Scottish poets, Robert Burns, in 1788. The Scottish phrase Auld Lang Syne can be roughly translated as “long long ago” or “days gone by.” In the poem the phrase is more closely translated as “for the sake of old times” or “for the sake of days gone by.” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auld_Lang_Syne

When listening to the song I always felt that the line “should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind” was a very sad sentiment. Indeed there are so many people that come into our lives and then end up leaving our lives and we may never see them again, and I guess that’s how life goes, but remembering all of the people who are no longer in your life can be a seriously depressing task. What is more, these people have left their mark on your life in some way, and you would only hope that you have left your mark on theirs. So to say that these acquaintances should be forgotten is not only sad, but it borders on cruel; it means to forget a lot of meaningful memories and instances that have helped to shape you into who you are.

I’m going to say something now that you will probably never hear again, and indeed there are people in my life who would love to hear me say this, so listen carefully: I was wrong. In fact, the sentiments of the song are the complete opposite. The song is not about forgetting those who are no longer in your life, but is actually about taking the time to remember them. New Years in general is a time for self reflection and growth; we make New Year’s resolutions that we feel will lead to a more happy, fulfilled, and successful year, but just as we look ahead we in fact also look back. This is what the song is actually about, this retrospection with introspection, looking back as well as looking within.

One thing I never got about the song, and indeed no one will get unless they read the poem or already know it, is that the first line is not a statement but is actually a question. The speaker in the poem is not stating that old acquaintances should be forgotten, but is instead asking the question….should old acquaintances be forgotten? The answer is a resounding no. The speaker then recounts growing up with this friend, but then life taking them far away from each other. At this point in the New Year, however, when the speaker is to be looking ahead, he is also taking the time to remember this friend, their friendship, and the good times they had long ago. He then drinks to the friendship and drinks for old time’s sake. So, the real sentiments of this poem, then, are not of forgetting and moving forward, but are of taking the time to remember.

Indeed, the New Year should be a time of evaluating what you would like to achieve out of the coming year, but since you have only gotten to this point because of where you have been and because of who has been with you along the way, it should be a time of contemplating the past as well. Therefore, it only makes sense that the planning for the future year is accompanied with a retrospection of years past. Only when you acknowledge where you have been can you really move forward.

Now knowing the actual meaning of this song, I find it a lot more positive and cheerful. I hope that if this has be bothering any of you, that you found this helpful and insightful.   

Burns’ original Scots verse

English translation

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind ? Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and auld lang syne* ? CHORUS: For auld lang syne, my jo, for auld lang syne, we’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet, for auld lang syne. And surely ye’ll be your pint-stowp ! and surely I’ll be mine ! And we’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet, for auld lang syne. CHORUS We twa hae run about the braes, and pu’d the gowans fine ; But we’ve wander’d mony a weary fit, sin auld lang syne. CHORUS We twa hae paidl’d i' the burn, frae morning sun till dine ; But seas between us braid hae roar’d sin auld lang syne. CHORUS And there’s a hand, my trusty fiere ! and gie's a hand o’ thine ! And we’ll tak a right gude-willy waught, for auld lang syne. CHORUS

Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind ? Should old acquaintance be forgot, and old lang syne ? CHORUS: For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne, we'll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne. And surely you’ll buy your pint cup ! and surely I’ll buy mine ! And we'll take a cup o’ kindness yet, for auld lang syne. CHORUS We two have run about the slopes, and picked the daisies fine ; But we’ve wandered many a weary foot, since auld lang syne. CHORUS We two have paddled in the stream, from morning sun till dine† ; But seas between us broad have roared since auld lang syne. CHORUS And there’s a hand my trusty friend ! And give me a hand o’ thine ! And we’ll take a right good-will draught, for auld lang syne. CHORUS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPnhaGWBnys