Because I’m Me: Take 2

I told you in the post a few months ago that things sort of just happen to me that are awkward and embarrassing, and….well….that hasn’t changed. It’s all part-in-parcel to being me.

As you can probably guess…something embarrassing happened again. I was on the set of Reign on Thursday, a great show that I am very happy to be a part of, and I had what I will call a wardrobe malfunction. The dress that they gave me to wear was slightly too big for me, so it didn’t fit tightly enough, and it was quite long. Because of the length I had to lift the skirt to make sure I didn’t drag the dress while walking, but when I would do this the clasps in the back of the dress would pop open. I explained the problem and was supposed to be sown into the dress to ensure it stayed closed. The wardrobe assistant decided, however, to lace up the corset instead of using the clasps, which ensured that it stayed closed. That seems to be a reasonable solution right? Wrong. The corset part may have stayed closed, but the bottom of the dress did not.

While heading to set with about 100 people behind me, lifting my dress to make sure I didn’t trip and the material didn’t drag, I heard running behind me and someone tapped me on the shoulder. I was then informed by this kind person that the back of my dress was completely open and my butt was completely exposed. To make matters worse…I was wearing bright pink panties…cheekies in fact, so my exposure was very noticeable and eye catching to the 100 people behind me. I was so embarrassed and had to spend the rest of the day around people who had seen my butt. Wardrobe was sympathetic and spent time safety pinning the entirety of the dress, which they should have done from the get-go. Oh well. When in Reign right? To top that all off, this was my very first day on this set, a set that I am supposed to be on for continuity, which means I will be going back regularly. Now, though, I will only be known as the girl who had her butt hanging out. That sounds about right. Oh how fun it is to be me. On the bright side, at least people on that set are probably not going to forget me any time soon. 

 Let's just pretend it was a Monroe moment.

Get Your Butt in Gear Girl!

My excuse, like usual, for not writing sooner is that I have been really busy. Now that this Disney movie is done and Degrassi is on hiatus, I am finding myself with more time, time that I hope to use to write. This same excuse has in fact always been my excuse not to write: “I don’t have enough time” or “I’m too busy.” Why am I making this excuse? The majority of people, regardless of how busy their lives may be, find the time to do the things they love, so why not me? Even when I was unemployed and sitting at home all day with plenty of time on my hands, I wasn’t writing. I’ve had well developed ideas for years now of what my first novel will be, but I don’t seem to discipline myself to sit down and write it.

I am venturing to determine that this is not simply a matter of laziness or a lack of will on my part, although those may indeed factor in, perhaps instead these excuses stem from fear. When I was in school and writing it was always just for fun, but now that school is finished and I am trying in some form or another to make a career out of it…there is a notion that this is for real now, and that means that I can fail. And yet, perhaps while in school I never took my writing seriously not just because I was busy with school work and couldn’t focus enough on developing my craft, but because I have been scared all along of failing at what I want to do most with my life. However, if you never try, then you’ve already failed.

Of course, like anything you are trying to get back into, you need to ease back into it. When I take a break from yoga and decide to go back, I never jump into a 3 hour moksha class, I start again at home to re-train my muscles and then take shorter classes and work my way back up to where I was before. Like my atrophied muscles, my writing craft is perhaps a little out of shape. So, I am proposing a challenge for myself to help me get back into the swing of things: a 30 day writing challenge. Although I will probably start this sooner, my idea is to force myself throughout the entire month of September to write something every day. Since I can’t even dedicate myself to my blog every day, this will actually be a challenge.

I have come to two conclusions: (1.) that I have been thinking this story through in my mind for far too long and it is far past time that I get it down on paper, and (2.) that I can’t really call myself a writer if I’m never actually writing. I am certainly not naïve enough to believe that I can get a rough draft of a novel done in a month, but if I can even get a few good chapters underway then perhaps the task at hand won’t seem so daunting. It is time that I get my butt in gear and turn my thoughts into something tangible, and since I already have connections at a literary agency that I can send a draft to, getting something down on paper for them to see is the next logical step and it may be just the right step I need to take to get closer to where I am trying to go. I will try to keep this blog updated on my progress as the month goes on. Wish me luck and success!   

 

Now is the time for fun, I'll figure out the rest as I go

Things have been crazy busy for me for a change. It’s been a nice change though. I signed on with a background agent and have been getting work every day. I spent most of last week filming a Disney movie, and then I did one day on Degrassi. I also had an audition for a commercial through my principle agent that went quite well. I’m starting to feel a lot less stressed about money. Now the challenge is to find time to still do all of the work needed for these internships as well as the background work. I do admit though, It’s been a wonderful feeling leaving the house for work every day. I’m also already confirmed for 3 days this week (Tuesday to Thursday), so it seems like things are going to be steady for a while; such a relief. This week I’m going to have to become nocturnal, since I have evening shoots from Tuesday to Thursday. It’s going to be interesting. I should be trying to sleep right now actually so that I have energy later on tonight. I attempted to stay up last night and sleep all day today, but I didn’t quite make it. After the shoot tonight though I will come home and crash and then I’ll maneuver myself into “night shift” mode. What I’m wondering about is whether I’ll end up doing the evening on the movie set and then the day on Degrassi on Friday. It would end up being exhausting, but probably a good way to re-set my clock. I guess we’ll see how that goes.

The work is definitely something I’ve been very thankful for. I’m also really enjoying the social aspect of it. It’s been fantastic meeting so many new people instead of sitting at home every day applying for work and feeling lonely. I think my circle of friends has tripled in the last month. Despite the early morning calls and late evening wrap times, I am having the time of my life. I spend almost every day laughing and just having a good time. I’ve definitely needed more of that in my life. Keeping busy also helps to distract me from the things that aren’t exactly working out right now, but it’s a very welcome distraction.

The other blessing lately has been my family. I actually spent the long weekend at home with my family and had a great time. We ended up having a bbq with some extended family celebrating my cousin’s graduation, and it was really nice to all be together for that. I was able to spend time with my other cousin, he husband, and her beautiful baby boy – which always proves to be a good time – and even spent some quality girl time chatting and shopping with my mother and my aunt. I am learning more and more that family is something very special and not to be taken for granted. These are the people that will be in your life no matter what, will love you no matter what, and will be there for you when you need them (for the most part). As crazy as they can make me sometimes, I appreciate them so much, especially now.

All in all, I would say that I’m just taking things one day at a time and enjoying them. I may not have an understanding or a feeling of direction and purpose, which was a primary factor in my unhappiness before, but I am starting to realize that’s ok. Things have sort of just been happening lately, things I haven’t planned myself, and they have been good. I’m not sure when I’ll actually get into my field, but as for right now I’m going to enjoy the ride. Who knows where this road will lead. I've spent way too much time worrying and stressing, and really for what? I want to enjoy my life instead of worrying and stressing my way through it. So now is the time for fun and enjoyment, since I'll never have this chance again once I do have that full-time job. The rest will figure itself out, or I will figure it out as I go....but I'm not going to worry about it now....I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. Ultimately, when it's all said and done, all I want out of my life is for it to be a happy one, and if I can learn to be happy in whatever circumstance I'm in or with whatever I'm doing, then my life is fulfilled.  

The Possibility of Positivity

It can be a really big challenge to stay positive when you are faced with so much negativity. When I was working at SCF bringing in donations for Sick Kids, there were 10 steps to success. Number one was "Have a Positive Attitude" and number two was "Maintain that Positive Attitude." That was a job where I heard "no" probably about 150 times a day, and if I was lucky 1 or 2 yeses. Of course after a while the no's tend to get to you and get you down.

I feel like that was a valuable learning experience for my life right now. Hearing "no you didn't get the job," "we decided to go in another way," "we decided to go with another candidate," or the worst one - the silence that tells you you weren't even worth getting back to. You keep thinking that once you get through all of the no's, there will eventually be a yes in there somewhere. Law of averages right? Believe it or not, I'm not all that used to hearing no. I was very fortunate enough to get into school, get a good education, and as long as I worked my butt off, I got the marks I wanted - earned actually - and I got into the schools I wanted for grad-school. No wasn't in my usual day to day life very often. Such a tiny little word, but it can have such a big affect.

So yes, I have been letting the no's control my attitude as of late. I may have started this job search with a positive attitude, but I haven't been good at maintaining it. I am now going to try to rectify that. Even though I'm in a bit of a rough patch right now, I have about a million blessings in my life every day: my family, my friends, somewhere to live, food to eat, background work and some form of income. There are always things to be thankful for. The challenge is to make an effort to see the good things, the positive things, instead of focusing on the bad or the negative. It can be hard to do, because when you're in it you feel like your drowning and it's very difficult to focus on anything else. What I have come to learn though, is that anything that is easy usually isn't worth it.

For some reason lately I've been remembering school as being easy - a blissful bubble if you will that I have been tempted to return to so that I can just curl back up my my comfort zone where I can feel good about myself and like I'm not a failure. The main reason I haven't is because I know I'll be right back here in 4 or 5 years after the PHD is done facing the same situation. I can't run from it, just perhaps delay it. And really, looking back now, school wasn't ever "easy." I wasn't even accepted into York the first time I applied because my GPA was too low (stupid chemistry marks). I had to write a letter of appeal to the dean of admissions and explain why I should be given special consideration. I outlined that I was applying for English and made note of my high English grades. Obviously my well-written and heartfelt letter worked, because I did get in, and then I made the dean's list of academic excellence every single year that I was there, was awarded multiple scholarships, and went to complete my Master's Degree on a full scholarship, but none of it was easy. I spent countless hours studying, writing papers, working my butt off. When in school I would be so stressed that I came down with weird illnesses and would get sick as soon as I had a holiday break when my body could recover. I also went through hard-core stress induced insomnia. It's kind of funny how I just sort of overlooked those things with my fantasizing of school as a comfortable escape from my present bleak reality.

Even before university, school wasn't just easy. I used to get mad that my twin could breeze by in high school without putting in much effort, while I always had to work my butt off to get the grades I wanted. However, I was never satisfied with mediocre marks. I felt like people who could be happy with the 70 lived happier lives than me, since I put so much pressure on myself to do well. The way I was feeling was all self generated. And perhaps those who are content with what they get in life are happy. I know that my personality is one that can never be happy with settling. Unless I strive for that goal and achieved it, I will never be happy until I do. But maybe, just maybe, I have been putting some of that old pressure on myself. I cannot feel upset with myself for not having a job in my field yet, because that is not something I can control. I keep thinking I must be doing something wrong, but perhaps I'm doing everything right, it just is taking longer than I would like it to. And I really must stop feeling like the world owes me anything or that I deserve anything, because that self-entitlement is absolutely off-putting. Yes, ok, so what, I have two degrees. Big deal, so do many of the other people serving my dinner at the restaurant I have up until now felt I didn't want to work at because I want to be doing something with the education I worked so hard to get. Anything worth getting is never easy to get, and you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to get there. So, if I have to go back to retail for now, then that's what I have to do. But saying I will be miserable working retail again (which, yes I have been telling people) because I was before and it feels like a step back instead of a step forward....well, refusing to step anywhere unless I can move in the one direction I want to move is not moving at all. You don't get anywhere by being stagnant.

Bringing this all back to positivity though, there are definitely things that we put on ourselves that we don't have to, and there are always choices to make with how we approach any situation. If you choose to look at the successes of everyone else around you, it will comparatively colour the way you view your own circumstances. I have been continuously brought down by seeing my other friends be successful while I'm floundering, and it's not right. They've gone through some of this too, and I should only feel happy for them and see that if they could do it, then I can too. I've also been feeling resentful that school doesn't really prepare you for life. Everything you learn in school helps you to develop your mind and adds to your personal growth, but ultimately it does not prepare you for the real world and real world disappointments. When you are in a system where as long as you work hard you get rewarded with good grades (academic currency), it doesn't prepare you for a world where working hard doesn't necessarily mean you are going to get ahead or get anywhere. However, being upset about something like that doesn't change anything. And to be fair, school did give me an impeccable work ethic and fantastic time management skills, all of which will be vital for the work-force and have maybe set me up for a full-time position at this PR firm once the internship is completed.

What I'm really trying to get at is that it makes no sense to be upset about the things you cannot change (you are just waisting your energy), you cannot let those things change you, and if you focus only on the negatives you will always lose, but if you choose to focus on the positive you will have a happier, more successful life. I'm not saying being happy and positive will land you that job, but if you are happy and positive regardless of having that job or not, then you've already won. You cannot peg your happiness on any element outside of yourself. Jobs come and go, even people come and go, so if you place your happiness on your career, your friends, your love life....they will all eventually disappoint. Happiness is a choice to see the good that you do have in your life and to enjoy it.  The possibility that positivity holds is being able to enjoy your life from day to day instead of sulk your way through it.


"Grant me the ability to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"

Is my break finally coming?

I haven’t been updating this blog as much as I should be, mostly because I was feeling pretty down, and more recently very very very busy. I’ve been running around like crazy for two weeks now trying to get articles done before my deadline and working like crazy for this PR internship, all the while the background work has kind of dried up for the time being, so I have no money coming in. It was starting to get to me.

But, because I am not the type of person that does anything half-heartedly, there was no question of me not working my absolute hardest for these internships (these are the job opportunities that I do have right now), pay or no pay; if I’m in something I’m in it and will put all of my effort into it…that’s just the way I am. I was worried though, because it felt like these internships were taking up so much of my time, time that I should have been diligently applying for PAID work. There is never a guarantee of a paid position upon the completion of an internship. More often than not you move on with one more thing to add to your resume and a good reference, or if you’re lucky things to add to your portfolio, but you are back to looking for that next thing. I actually do enjoy both of these internships though, so I can’t complain too much about them, but when you are worried about paying rent…it puts things into perspective…a very stressful perspective.

Yesterday, however, even though I felt like I was doing work way beyond the duties of an intern and that no one really cared or thought the same, I actually got feedback and was thanked for all of my hard work. My boss’s words: “I am going to make sure that you get an extra bonus at the end. You are doing so much and I really appreciate it. I will do my best to keep you happy because I love working with you. You are really good at this job.”

It felt so nice. I don’t need to receive praise or recognition to know the value of my work, but it definitely helps to make me feel like it’s not all for nothing and it’s not going unnoticed. I particularly appreciated this little boost because I was beginning to think that I needed to change my tactics. One of my best friends always likes to point out that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result. I was beginning to wonder if maybe this was me. Part of my problem, though, was that I wasn’t sure what else to try at this point…so I had to just keep doing what I have been doing and hope that the quality of my work would speak for itself. Now it seems it has.

PR is actually a good spot for me to be in right now for networking. Just from helping with being the Media Liaison for one event, I now have access to over 400 media contacts, most of which are magazines and newspapers. In an industry that is all about who you know and making the right connections, I would say that I could be on the right track.

Like I said in recent posts, I really do feel like something is about to change. I feel like maybe I’m about to get my break. All good things come to those who work their butt off and never give up. 

 

When there are no more words to say...

I was trying very hard to keep this out of my blog because I don't have a single positive thought left in my body regarding this, so instead of the long political rant and full blown academic essay I started and deleted about 20 times, I am just going to give up trying all together. I am now done discussing Trayvon and Zimmerman. I have been progressively getting more and more upset since Saturday and the words are choking in my throat. I am also losing respect for people and their ignorant comments; some people I never would have even considered would say such things. I have decided to now tread softly because the ignorant and those who choose to sleep to the truth are far too many and it really upsets me to the very bone. Ignorance is not bliss; ignorance is destructive and as we can clearly see....it kills. Simon Peter Andrew Martin, your #teamwakeup comment partially inspired this. We do need to wakeup, because ignorant sleepwalkers are all around us and they are so very dangerous.

Instead of going off the rails and ranting uncontrollably, I'm going to share the monologue I memorized for a recent audition. It is so suitable because it is a discussion of ignorance:

"I am an invisible man. No, I am not a spook like those who haunted Edgar Allan Poe; nor am I one of your Hollywood-movie ectoplasms. I am a man of substance, of flesh and bone, fiber and liquids - and I might even be said to possess a mind. I am invisible, understand, simply because people refuse to see me. Like the bodiless heads you see sometimes in circus sideshows, it is as though I have been surrounded by mirrors of hard, distorting glass. When they approach me, they see only my surroundings, themselves, or figments of their imagination - indeed, everything and anything except me. Nor is my invisibility exactly a matter of a biochemical accident to my epidermis. That invisibility to which I refer occurs because of a peculiar disposition of the eyes of those with whom I come in contact. A matter of the construction of their inner eyes, those eyes with which they look through their physical eyes upon reality. I am not complaining, nor am I protesting either. It is sometimes advantageous to be unseen, although it is most often rather wearing on the nerves. Then too, you're constantly being bumped against by those of poor vision. Or again, you often doubt if you really exist. You wonder whether you aren't simply a phantom in other people's minds. Say, a figure in a nightmare which the sleeper tries with all his strength to destroy. It's when you feel like that, our of resentment, you begin to bump people back. And, let me confess, you feel that way most of the time. You ache with the need to convince yourself that you do exist in the real world, that you're a part of all the sound and anguish, and you strike out with your fists, you curse and you swear to make them recognize you. And, alas, it's seldom successful. I remember that I am invisible and walk softly so as not to awaken the sleeping ones. Sometimes it is best not to awaken them; there are few things in the world as dangerous as sleepwalkers. I learned in time though that it is possible to carry on a fight against them without their realizing it [...] I was pulled this way and that for longer than I can remember. And my problem was that I always tried to go in everyone's way but my own. I have been also been called one thing and then another while no one really wished to hear what I called myself. So after years of trying to adopt the opinions of others I finally rebelled. I am an invisible man."

                                                                   Ralph Ellison "Invisible Man"

#R.I.P.TrayvonMartin. Our thoughts and prayers are with you Martin family. I am so very sorry that this happened to you; this is something that should never happen to anyone.