I haven’t written in a little
while because I haven’t had anything worthwhile happen to me lately that seemed
interesting enough to write about. My days have been progressively more and
more boring and I perpetually feel like I am still waiting for my life to
start.
So the basic run down:
The guy from the publishing
company never did email me back. Who says “I will contact you before the
weekend and set up a time to meet with you next week” if they aren’t going to
follow through? Again, I understand that people are busy and all, but this is
the equivalent of telling children that Santa doesn’t exist…it’s building a
dream and hope within someone and then throwing them crashing to the ground as
you pull the rug from underneath them. Don’t act like you are going to give
someone a shot and give them false hope if you really don’t have the
intentions. But, again, I realize that I am inconsequential enough to know it
would be easy to fall through the cracks unnoticed, even after a few follow up
emails. Such is life.
And here is my problem. Life is
completely overrated: your worth is very infinitesimal and there is very little
on a day to day basis to get excited about. And then when there is something to
get excited about, it usually doesn’t pull through. Sigh. While in school I
felt that I had significant worth, there were almost daily reasons to get
excited (and I know that receiving affirmation by getting good grades or
getting accepted to present a paper at a conference are all trivial and nerdy
to most people, but you can’t deny the feeling of worth and significance
attributed to them). Anyway, while in school I never felt bored, always felt
like I was accomplishing something, and always felt like I was going somewhere
in life. Now that I’m actually faced with “real life” I feel like I’m going
nowhere. There is no climbing of any corporate ladder. I can’t even see the
ladder from where I’m standing. Did I take a wrong turn somewhere?
Everyone tells you that it will take
time to get your break. I know it does, I guess it would just be nice to feel
like I’m still moving towards something instead of standing still. And it would
be even nicer to have a group of friends in the same situation as me, all of us
going through it together. Most of my friends are already moving somewhere in their
lives, whether it’s work, more school, marriage, children, etc. It doesn’t
really feel like anyone else is standing still except for me.
But really, it could always be
worse right? What do I really have to complain about? I do have a job, even if
it’s not ideal. I just got another temporary job, at a retail store (I’m
forbidden to use the name, says so in my contract). And I have to say I am
thankful for this. It’s not what I studied to do, and I don’t need two degrees
to do what I’m doing now, but it is what it is.
So this is why I say that life is
overrated. It is what it is, and you just have to live with it. I’m dying for a
little excitement, or at least some movement in some direction. Is that so
wrong?
Update: Friday has come and gone and this publisher did not follow up
with me. Such is life. I think I will give him till Monday evening, and
then I might just email him as a friendly reminder. What do you think?
I don’t really want to seem desperate, but I really am desperate for another job.
Speaking
of not wanting to appear desperate, my loneliness was palpable today as
I was the only one home all day with nothing to do and nowhere to go.
After many episodes of Sex and the City, I finally decided to get all
dolled up just to walk to the grocery store to buy cake and icecream
(completely necessary for a day at home alone watching SATC or chic
flicks). Why all that effort? Because sometimes when I put enough effort
into looking fantastic, it makes me feel better. Plus, anytime I go out
looking like complete crap because I have been lazing around all day
anyway and all I’m doing out is buying icecream to continue lazing
around, I always encounter some really cute stranger who almost laughs
at me because I look like a hot mess. Sweats, hoodie, and messy bun……so
hot!
Anyway. Part of the leisure day in has to do with the
fact that it was raining (not really like I ever have anywhere to go
anyway) and partly because of a very bad mood. Regardless of some PMS
going on, my bad mood was the result of everyone else having a life and
no time for me. One person in particular, who I have been trying not to
write about (as I really don’t want to come across as angry and bitter)
but he must be mentioned now. Therapy and all.
So my
complaint for the day is the “Me Monsters” (as Brian Regan calls them)
who seem to think that their life is sooooooooo much more important than
yours. Often these Me Monster’s when in the form of men also seem to
think that their absence from your life would be soooo detrimental, so
they try to string you along in some way so that you aren’t at a total
loss. They can reach you, but you can never reach them, and you would be
much better off if they weren’t in your life at all.
Here is my “Me Monster” encounter:
I
met a guy shortly after moving back home after grad school. Originally
he seemed quite nice and genuinely interested (they plan it that way),
and then when his life is no longer boring; aka he is starting to get
busy with work or school or what have you, then he falls off the face of
the earth. The thing is, I am usually VERY good at judging this kind of
thing and I had completely written him off already, but he somehow had
to find a way to remain in my life. Our first “date” (I use the term
date very loosely here, as it was a “hang out sort of thing”) he slept
through. That’s right SLEPT THROUGH. No, he didn’t fall asleep over
dinner while I was discussing my thesis, that might have actually been
better; he didn’t even show up! He slept through his alarm and right
through our “hang out thing.” Naturally, after about 2 ½ hours of
waiting on him, about the point when my dress started making a mockery
out of me, I retired to my bed, makeup still on, and completely wrote
him off. I was completely content to never hear from him again. Does he
kindly accept that? Absolutely not! The next day he calls apologizing
profusely, making the excuse that he slept through his alarm and that
workin a week of nights killed him. I don’t care if the apocalypse is
going on, if you make plans with someone (particularly when YOU are the
one who made the plans to begin with) you get your butt out of bed! As
I’m trying to be less bitter and cynical, I decided to give him another
chance. Actually, I decided to implement the 3 strikes and you’re out
system. A week goes by and we finally try for a re-do. The specifics
don’t really matter, but I will say that the "date" was not really worth
the wait. The second strike was when he said he would call but then
never did (also important to note, I had been at a funeral that day and
was already feeling low - and yes, he knew this important fact). I am a
completely reasonable person and I can accept that people go MIA because
they have crazy busy lives, or that something comes up preventing them
from calling…..all you have to do in that scenario is send a text. Or
even better….don’t tell me you are going to call! I don’t actually care
if you call….but I don’t appreciate sitting around waiting for a call
that you supposedly want to make that will never come. Believe me, my
world does not revolve around you and I would have had a completely
wonderful evening without ever thinking of you. I think some guys, even
if they have no follow through, just want to say SOMETHING so that you
know they are still there and you can't completely forget that they
exist. The third strike was dropping off the face of the earth, by which
I mean no longer answering any of my texts and making absolutely no
effort to get in touch with me. For the record, I don’t call…..I
actually hate calling guys and refuse to be the one making that move. So
no, I’m not that pathetic freak who calls 50 times and hangs up. Ewww.
But I do expect to be able to reach you somehow and get an answer.
Anyway, safe to say he was already off my list: the guy can’t prioritise
and has no follow through. Good riddance.
BUT HERE IS
WHERE IT GETS ME PISSY. All of that is normal immature male behaviour,
and when you are really not all that in to me, I am a big girl and can
handle it. I actually find it quite liberating; believe me, something so
inconsequential cannot crush me. But when you play mind games and try
to string me along with constant promises of phone calls and going out
for dinner that never actually come about, why don’t you just piss off
and leave me alone? Don’t worry honey, the loss of your presence and
pretend friendship is really not that deep. So, I did the rational thing
and put him out of my mind and out of my life. Then, he crawls back in
asking for my help with something. Red flag – jerk face is using you.
Again, however, I try to not be cynical and jaded and assume: maybe he
has been crazy busy….I’ve been there myself. Maybe I will give him one
more shot and if he disappears again, I can 100% say he is a tool, he
only wants to use me, and will have justified grounds that have nothing
to do with my bitterness to fully dismiss him from my life. Well,
shocker. I do help him, the nice person that I am, he makes yet another
faux dinner date – the “we should do dinner this week, I would really
like to spend some time with you” (the type that makes you almost laugh
in his face because, seriously? Do I look that dumb to you pal? Ok, sure
let's do dinner....let's say approximately when hell freezes over?) –
and of course, just as I predicted, he drops off the face of the earth
again. Legitimately busy or not, if you don’t have time for me, I don’t
have time for you.
Back to how I began this bitter
diatribe, these Me Monsters seem to intervene back into your life again
whenever they feel like it: I’m bored, I’m lonely, I need help with
something, I, I, I, I, Me, Me, Me, Me, Myself, Myself, Myself, Myself.
Well
speaking on behalf of Me, Myself and I……….I really don’t care. Please
stay out of my life and delete me from your phone, because I have
already deleted you from mine.
Sooooo all of that to say
"little boy, please grow up. Your life is no more important than mine,
and in fact, I value my own life enough to say that I would love for you
to no longer be in it. Please don't let your ego hit you in the butt on
your way out. Sincerely, vindicated, validated, completely right ME."
On
a better note. The ice cream was on sale! Which was exciting, and it,
along with the cake, was fantastic. I had a wonderful afternoon of
watching high-powered female TV, spent some time with VOGUE, and now am
off to read one of the classics I’ve been wanting to get to. I’m
alright, I’m more than alright, I’m fabulous, and there is no one and
nothing in this world that can change that. As cynical as I may be (and
some concerned friends have brought this up recently), the one thing I
hold onto with complete belief and hope is the truth that happiness
comes from within. There is no one and nothing that can make you happy
or fill the voids in life, you have to do it for yourself. And so, in
contrast, there is no one that can make you feel bad about yourself
unless you let them!
So I may have a crappy job, my
friends are all too far away for socializing, and I have been rejected
by a guy I wasn’t even interested in, but I am happy and confident and
glad to be me.
Guys, we are really not that fragile. We are completely fine if you aren't into us, just be a man and admit it. Trying to avoid it and be the "nice guy" who says he will call or that we should go out for dinner soon actually makes you "the bad guy." Be honest, we can take it, we are grown women. It's really just the never knowing that's exhausting. Stop the mindgames and stop the madness!
I recently
graduated with an M.A. degree in English and despite what I told
everyone when they condescendingly asked "what on earth are you going to
do with an English degree," my retort smugly being "anything I want!," I
am now feeling the pains of a specified Arts degree. In our
technological and business minded economic infrastructure, the poor Arts
student remains poor.
And yet, things could be much worse. I’m not exactly
unemployed, I just have a part time job that gives me hardly any hours
and isn’t even remotely close to the field I want to be in. But beggars
can’t be choosers…..literally….at least I have something on my resume
and enough income to pay for my transportation to and from
work….well…almost.
So I spend my days off continuing the job hunt,
feeling that if I put in enough hours I will eventually be handed
something. I am more than willing to start at the bottom and work my way
up, and I’m fully aware that this may take time, but the constant
“waiting for my life to start” is getting monotonous. Ergo, my fabulous
plan to take account and take responsibility. I will set goals and you
must hold me accountable. Deal?
Here is a rundown of my mini
successes today. As I have only been applying for work on job boards –
work in publishing by the way (infamously difficult to get into) – I
decided to be bold and be that annoying person who sends unsolicited
resumes and cover letters begging to be noticed and taken seriously.
The
result? A few people did respond and said they “aren’t currently
hiring, but will keep my resume on file” and I got one successful
“thanks for your resume. I will follow up with you on Friday.” All in
all, one of the more successful days.
Ordinarily this is how my
days off go (and reminder, I use the term days off loosely because I
frequently have full weeks off, or multiple days off….my job is indeed a
joke, but again better than nothing).
So this is how my regular
days off go: wake up close to 9 because my alarm isn’t sent, and why
would it be? Roll over and doze in-and-out till almost 11 because I’m
struck by an almost depression knowing that there is really no reason to
get out of bed today. Eventually I do get up and make my way down to
the kitchen to finally obey my voracious stomach….only to find it a
complete wreck because everyone else in the house has gone off to work
and they figure that I, the work reject, having nothing better to do
anyway, right? Even if I don’t, still not cool. Afterall, I didn't get
two degrees just to clean up after people all day and watch tv. Not
saying there is anything wrong with that, but it's sooo not my scene.
Where was I? Oh yes, after eating and coffee and a few episodes of Sex
and the City, or some other show – I watch TV while I eat. Why? Because
I’m alone anyway and eating all by yourself is depressing as hell - I
then try to find something to occupy my time: check the mail, take an
aimless walk to nowhere and then come back, see if the frog that’s been
living in my backyard is still there, check facebook, etc. On the good
days I re-check the job boards. On the bad days I crawl back into bed
and watch movie after movie.
So that’s why I say today was a good
day. It’s really difficult though to feel compelled to do anything when
after you have FINALLY showered and gotten “ready for the day” at 5pm,
you then get back into sweatpants and a t-shirt because…really?...who
are you trying to kid?....you have nowhere to go anyway. So yes, I am in
a t-shirt and sweats, but I have potentially climbed a tiny bit higher
out of my whole….and if not….at least I feel like I accomplished
something today. Besides, the frog has been hibernating for almost a
month now. New things need to start occupying my day.
On the
agenda tomorrow, maybe review some grammar or brush up on my German….but
one “productive day” doesn’t usually follow another. I miss my
productive academic life; back when I had a million things to do every
day and I felt guilty for taking 2 hours off to go watch a movie with a
friend. Ahhhhh that was the life. That me hates this me. And that
academic me has a point, because this me mixed up A Thousand Splendid Suns with One Hundred Years of Solitude. Not the plot, thankfully, just the titles: One Thousand Years of Solitude.
Not too bad you say? Well that was prefaced with: ME “I just finished
my M.A. in English and miss the stimulating literary discussions.” OTHER
“really? I love literature! What are you reading right now?” ME “Oh I’m
in a Gabriel Garcia Marquez phase right now.” OTHER “I love Marquez,
are you reading Love in the Time of Cholera?” ME “No, that one’s next on the list, but I’m reading One Thousand Years of Solitude.”
OTHER *blankly staring at me gauging my intelligence* …..sigh…..and
this is why I need a real job or to get my butt back to school….my brain
is melting from sheer lack of use.
So blogs are generally about ordinary people trying to do
extraordinary things (like cook your way through Julia Child's cook
book, or conquer the world). I'm a little more realistic. I think that
I, like the majority of people out there, am no one extraordinary. So
why write a blog and why would people be remotely interested in reading
it? BECAUSE I'm not extraordinary! I'm a real person dealing with real
issues, just like you.
So....what is my blog challenge?
Well....you know the intro song to Friends "you're life's a joke, you're
broke, you're love life's DOA".....yeah that one; that song pretty much
sums up my life. So, my plan is to stop annoying my friends with all of
my complaining and instead annoy all of you. No, kidding. I plan to
divulge the pains and pleasures, the failures and successes, and hope
that when I look back on my life a year from now I: (1) feel like I used
my time productively, (2) feel like conditions have somewhat improved,
(3) that maybe I entertained a few people along the way, (4) got a book
deal of course, jk.
I’m a new grad trying to find work, maintain
old and establish new friendships, and maybe eventually find a
successful relationship. Right now I’m pretty 0 for 3. So, if you would
like to hear about my daily struggles and giggles, probably similar to
your own, and/or if you would like to cheer me on, give me advice, or
even give me a great job ;) then do read on. If not, that’s ok too. This
is self-indulgent and therapeutic for me, and will hopefully entertain
you, or at least help you feel that your life isn’t actually all that
bad after all, or that you’re not alone.
