Once More With Purpose

To those who were actually reading this blog, I apologize for abandoning it. I have now decided to take it up again, but this time with purpose.

It was pointed out to me before that some of my rambling was really directionless complaining, and I agree that at times this was definitely the case. I haven't been writing because I haven't had anything to write about, or at least nothing positive and uplifting to say. I have for the past 5 or 6 months been going through a rather tough time of soul searching and only recently have I come to some clarity in my life.

I have decided to re-purpose this blog to discuss the personal and spiritual growth in my life. I recently made a very public declaration on Facebook of my re-dedication of my life to Christ. Many congratulated me, but only a few actually asked me what it was about and what I meant. So, here is the explanation of the struggle that I have been going through for many years now and the growing pains that have helped me to develop to the point I'm at right now.

Wresting With God

Like Jacob wrestled with God for an entire night and was finally blessed in the morning, I too have been wrestling with God intensely for the past few weeks, and they have felt like a torment and an incredible struggle; nights filled with tears and questions instead of sleep. However, I feel like the sun is finally rising and I am coming to clarity, understanding, and perhaps like Jacob, even a blessing.

The questions plaguing me were put into motion from a Bible conference that I attended where the topic of discussion was Colossians 3. I didn’t see at the time how this topic would so greatly impact my spiritual life, especially because it seemed to be something that I had heard many times before. It didn’t begin to work exactly right away, but it was at work within me.

There are two specific things from this conference that stuck out to me. One had to do with my preoccupations. One brother asked “what are you thinking about when you can’t sleep at night?” As sleep is a large problem in my life, I considered this thought. What were the thoughts plaguing my mind in times when I couldn’t sleep? What was I preoccupied with? And the brother challenged that this seemingly wasted time could be used productively in prayer; not only prayer for oneself and the thoughts keeping them awake, but in prayer for the saints and the assembly. I thought this was a pretty positive message, and so it lingered in my mind.

The second message that stuck with me was a moment that caught all of us off guard. A brother asked us “do you stink?” Of course we all looked at each other like we wanted confirmation that everyone heard the same thing. The brother repeated the question and then asked “have you really died with Christ?” The analogy was simple, if a body has died it gives off an odor, so likewise then, if we have truly died with Christ, is it evident in our lives…are we giving off a theoretical odor?

This thought was memorable, mostly because it was presented in a bizarre way, but it would eventually lead me to my confrontation with God. I didn’t initially dwell on this point right away, it was only after considering areas of my life that I wasn’t completely satisfied with – those pesky preoccupations that keep me awake at night – that this point came back around full circle.

After this conference, I was a witness to a friend’s budding new and beautiful relationship, one that is completely Christ centered and better than she had ever imagined for herself. I was naturally torn between sheer happiness for her and the inevitable selfish moment where I wonder why this particular blessing seems to be given to everyone else around me while it continues to allude me. I began to seriously consider what it was that I was doing wrong. In two specific areas of my life I have earnestly sought for progress and I have been at a standstill: my love life and my career. I then got frustrated and reached out to God, yes in tears, and asked him “why Lord? You know me better than I know myself and you know all of my needs and desires. Why are you withholding these things from me? What am I doing wrong or what do you want me to learn first before you bless these areas of my life?”

I was filled with a lot of doubt and insecurity around the subject, even to the point of thinking maybe this was God’s way of punishing me for past wrong-doing. I had heard from a Christian friend once that God disciplines us in two ways: he either gives us something difficult to deal with, some sort of trial, or he takes something away from us. This idea plagued my thoughts, even though I wasn’t completely convinced in its truth. I was exceedingly worried that perhaps God would take away from me the one thing that I wanted the most. This inevitably made me call into question everything I thought I knew about my savior and how he dealt with me. I felt conflicted, frightened, and alone.

Although I had heard from the friend who was blissful in the beginnings of love that God knew what she wanted and needed and he wanted the best for her, I was doubting that God had the same interests in my life. It wasn’t until an impromptu ministry meeting after a regular Tuesday night prayer meeting where I got my answer: “This I know, that God is for me” (Psalm 56:9). The loving father is for us, not against us. The only person who is against us and does not want the best for us is….us….if we become more interested in settling than waiting on the Lord.

I think that as much of a blessing as it is to grow up in the assembly and in a Christian home where we study the word, it leaves us open and susceptible to one great weakness: that everything we have heard our entire lives is stuff that we ‘know’ but not necessarily that we ‘believe’ or ‘understand’ in a practical way. Let me clarify that.

There are scriptures that many of us know by heart: “I will not leave you nor forsake you” (Joshua 1:5), “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you” (Matthew 6:33), “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4), “In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your path” (Proverbs 3:6).

We have heard all of these verses before, but what do they really mean to us? How do we understand them and how do we practically apply them in our lives? What does it really mean to ‘seek first the kingdom of God’ or to ‘delight in the Lord’?

After considering these verses, which are the basic foundation to my Christian life, I was forced to consider another important verse, which brings us full circle back around to this conference on Colossians 3 that I didn’t think really impacted me all that deeply. The verse is Luke 9: 23, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.”

What does it really mean to take up your cross? And this is when the brother’s question of whether we stink came back to me. To take up your cross means to die with Christ as he died on the cross. Ok, that we pretty much knew from Sunday school. However, what does it mean to take up your cross daily?

It is amazing how one little word can completely change your perspective on a verse, on a concept, sometimes on everything you think you know. So this got me thinking, what does it really mean to die with Christ or to give our lives to Christ? My clarity comes with this word daily: to die in Christ or to die with Christ is a daily exercise to surrender your life to him. It is not a onetime moment of salvation.

When we are young we are often told that all we need is to believe. This is how I governed my entire Christian walk up until now. I am a Christian because I believe that Jesus Christ died for my sins. That is the foundation; however, I didn’t take it much further than that. I knew that I should live a life pleasing to him, and if I am being honest much of my life was not pleasing to him, but beyond that, Christianity and faith was all based on belief.

I have now come to a new realization. Christianity and being a disciple of Christ is not merely about believing. Just as Christ gave his life for us, so too must we give our lives to him. And as I have just pointed out, this is a daily exercise, not a onetime moment of salvation. Giving my life to Christ is more than accepting him as my savior and fitting him into my life with bible readings and prayer…it means completely giving up my life to Christ and allowing him to be the author of my story. It means coming to him with every decision and waiting on him instead of making my own decisions and asking for him to bless them. It means making him the center of my life instead of myself. This DOES NOT come naturally to us. After all, it is our lives…why wouldn’t we be at the center or be the main character of our own lives? The answer is actually quite simple, because once you give your life to Christ, it is no longer yours, it is his. How come this moment of clarity came to me so late in life when it was repeated about a million times in Sunday school and asked in every conference I attended: “does your life belong to Christ?” Does it BELONG to him? I can’t really answer why this has come to me so late, but I am just glad that I can see it now.

Once I had this moment of clarity, that I needed to surrender all areas of my life to God and completely trust in him, I was in for another struggle and many more sleepless nights filled with tears and prayer. I am a control freak, it is one of my biggest weaknesses. I can’t stand not being in control and not knowing what comes next, so to stop trying to do everything on my own and trust God to do it is a very hard step for me. To trust that God has my best interests in mind and have faith that he will do all things well is incredibly difficult, but incredibly necessary. 

I have seen nothing but failure in my career and love life while I was trying to do it on my own, all the while thinking I was on the right track and asking God for answers and help. So what was I doing wrong? I was trying to write my own story instead of letting God be the author of my life.

I was also focused on myself instead of on God. I would look around and see all of the people who I went to school with getting great jobs, one of them my dream job that I had applied for 7 times! And I would see all of the people I had grown up with all finding ‘the one’ and getting married, and I couldn’t help but have the childish response “God, when is it my turn?”

Of course in my mind I know that I shouldn’t be looking around at anyone else, and when I do the waves threaten to drown me. Like Peter on the water, I know I need to look only to Christ, but this is much more difficult in practice than in concept. It’s difficult not to see everyone else’s success and happiness and it’s difficult not to want it too. It’s even difficult, at least for me, not to get frustrated with God when what you want seems to be forever out of reach.

I have a bad habit that I have become aware of which continuously plunges me into familiar murky waters. This habit is to let my guard down and not guard my heart when it comes to having friendships with guys and tends to leave me teetering on the edge of deeper feelings and brings up old fears and insecurities. When someone comes along who is nice and sweet and a good Christian guy, and I start to wonder…“could this be him?” and then I spiral into a bout of insecurities surrounding my fear of rejection, of getting hurt again, and of all of the reasons why I am not good enough (but that is a subject for a different post). I don’t think the question of "could this be him" is in itself wrong, but perhaps my point of view is. I’m looking at a guy and what I deem are attractive qualities for what I want in a future husband instead of looking to God. And here come the waves. 

I have no answers for how to not notice someone and how to not develop feelings for someone. This I leave with God and hope that he can show me the answers in time. I do know, however, that what I have done in the past hasn’t worked and it was time for a change.

As difficult as it was to go through failure and heart ache, I think these failures worked in an important way to allow me to finally see that I hadn’t completely given these areas of my life to God, even though I thought that I had. There are certain areas of our lives where God won’t let us succeed unless we give him complete control, and if we insist on doing it our own way, then we haven’t really succeeded, but have settled for less than what God had in mind for us.

I used to think that God had more important things to deal with than to care about something as small as my career and love life. But consider this, if someone loves someone else so much that they are willing to give their life for the person…do you really think there is anything about that person and any part of that person’s life that would not be of interest to the one who sacrificed? How could I possibly think that God would die for me and then not care about my life? The thought even now makes me sad. When I wasn’t getting any answers from God and felt completely alone and lost, I sometimes wondered whether he even cared about me; like a girl sitting at home on a Friday night waiting for a guy to call who clearly has no interest in her. How foolish and ashamed I feel now for thinking that way.

I realized that at the points in my life when it felt like God didn't care and had stopped speaking to me, it was really I who had stopped speaking to him and seeking him first. I had gotten to a point where my spiritual life had become a routine and became stagnant without growth. This is a dangerous place for a Christian to be. I felt like God was far from helping me and felt alone and angry, but really I was far from him. I was not acknowledging him in all that I did...I was doing everything on my own and he was an afterthought. My thoughts and time were consumed with school and career, in themselves not bad things, but they became what I put all of my thoughts and energy into. I really only thought of God when something wasn't going right, which is selfish and immature. He did not have the preeminence in my life. As I started coming back into a personal relationship with God, it was painful, but there cannot be growth without pain. Like when you are a child and your whole body aches from growing pains; it's painful, but necessary. I still don't have any answers and I still have a lot of growing to do, but at least I am looking in the right direction now. 

It is never easy when we need answers to something and we feel like we aren’t getting them. Patience and waiting on the Lord has never been my strong suit. Of course I want what God has planned for me because I know it will be better than anything that I have imagined for myself, but, and here comes the inevitable ‘what if’questions that plague me….what if I have to wait too long? What if I already screwed up too much? Or the scariest 'what if', what if God has called me to a life of singleness to serve him? From my current standpoint as a 26 year old woman that is a scary thought because I have wanted for my entire life to get married, to love someone and be loved in return. And unfortunately, I think that I am too weak to be alone for the rest of my life and be happy with it, even if God is always with me. So what if God plans to give me the ultimate challenge and wants me to find complete happiness and fulfillment in only him? My selfish human brain considers this possibility terrifying. Perhaps as I grow in faith and maturity this could change, or perhaps in my heart of hearts I know the answer.

I can’t be sure if a life of singleness is what has been planned for me or not, but mostly I believe it is not, and here is why. If God knows me better than I know myself and he is aware of all of my needs and desires, I don’t think he would withhold from me forever one of my deepest desire, and I don’t think he would put such a deeply rooted desire in me for marriage if his plan all along was that I stay single. I could be wrong, but I believe that he knows me; he knows what I want and need and he wants me to be happy. He just wants to be involved and be the one writing my story, and he wants to be at the center of that story. 

I may not have really figured anything out yet, but I'm no longer wrestling: my restless heart has found rest in him. And for now, for me, this is enough. Of course this is just a small glimpse into the struggles that I have been going through and it really only scratches the surface, but is what is going on in this ordinary person's not so extraordinary life. 

It’s Not A Deal If It’s Unnecessary

I want to preface this with an acknowledgement that I am not ‘holier than thou’ and I have obviously participated in capitalistic and materialistic events (cough cough Christmas), so I’m not pointing fingers. Even if I did, there would be four more pointed back at me. I just wanted to put a little thought out there because I’ve been bombarded all morning with messages of Black Friday deals that have made me feel introspective and actually quite sad.

I won’t condemn shopping because we all need some things: for example, I need toothpaste right now. I classify that as a need because if I don’t buy some I will smell, no one will want to be around me anymore, and my teeth will probably eventually decay and fall out. It’s an extreme picture, but you get the point.

Now, let’s say I need a new winter coat because the one I have is full of holes and won’t keep me warm anymore, and we all know that a good winter coat in Canada is a must. Ok, fine, I can classify that as a necessity. And maybe I want to buy one on Black Friday because it will be that much cheaper and I’m not made of money. All valid arguments, there is nothing wrong with that. What I have a problem with is the whole mentality behind Black Friday, and let’s throw Christmas into that mix too. These massive consumer holidays merely promote greed and the desire for ‘stuff’ that you don’t even need. There is no world wherein a flat screen tv or an xbox is a necessity; let’s get that straight right now. These consumer holidays promote a mentality of want in a society that really wants for nothing; and irony of ironies, it’s only a day after American Thanksgiving, a day when you reflect on everything that you have and are thankful for it. This focus on “I want” causes us to lose sight of what other people might actually need.

Let’s back up for a second here. Is it wrong to want things? I won’t go as far as saying that. There are definitely things that we like to have that we should be allowed to enjoy with our success. However, when the value of a thing outweighs the value of a human life….that’s just wrong to me. How many people stood in line in the cold waiting for the doors to open this morning? How many people got hurt or even died all for this insane pandemonium over wanting a thing? And what about the homeless man that was also out in the cold, and definitely not waiting to get into the store, did you give him any money? You don’t know him, but how much is his life worth to you? How much did you end up spending (NOT SAVING) on the items that you wanted? These are personal questions and I probably have no right to ask them, but I always find it shocking that we spend so much money around the holidays and yet we can’t spare the change in our pockets for someone who has nothing. We get a great deal on a plasma tv, but somehow sparing a $5 bill for a homeless person seems to be too much. I’m guilty of it too. I hate that I have become so accustomed to seeing so many homeless people on my way to work that I almost don’t even see them anymore. It makes me feel conditioned and ashamed.

Anytime I go out shopping I try to think of whether or not I really need the thing that I want to buy. I work hard for my money and I should be responsible with it. But also, I live in a position of privilege and so, in my opinion, my responsibility should stem much further than not wasting money on things that I don’t need. I have decided that I’m going to try something new this year. When I am about to spend money on something that is a want vs. a necessity, I am going to re-direct that money. Instead of buying new clothes, I can sponsor another child; instead of spending hundreds on Christmas gifts, I can buy a family a goat, which will give them a source of income and sustenance. When the choice is between giving a child an education or buying another pair of boots, shouldn’t the answer be clear?

Unfortunately…it’s not clear. I think that we all have a responsibility to each other, to all humanity. If I have food and the person beside me doesn’t, I should share it. We learn the value of sharing before we can even talk, so when did we start thinking that this little lesson doesn’t apply to us anymore?

I know that not everyone can afford to sponsor a child, but if you can afford a $5 Starbucks coffee, can you afford to spend $10 on mosquito netting or $15 for a fruit tree? If you are going to spend $100 on Christmas gifts for just one person in your family, is $50 for a sheep really too much? At the end of the day, the coffee will last about half an hour and the sweaters you just bought for your brother might last two years, but a fruit tree, a sheep, or a goat can change an entire family’s life forever. No I don’t work for Plan Canada and no I am not getting paid to say these things. And if you don’t like Plan Canada, then you can feel free to look into any other organization or effort. I just think that these Gifts of Hope are fantastic ideas. No one waits in line out in the cold to buy these gifts; it just doesn’t happen. But I’m doing my Black Friday shopping and Christmas shopping right here: https://plancanada.ca/GiftsofHope/products/1-All-gifts/.  

 

It Is What You Make It

I have neglected this personal blog on account of being so invested in my work blog. Isn't that often the case of what happens? You get so busy with work that you neglect the personal? I hope to kick this nasty habit while I'm still in my guppy career phase so that I don't become one of those people who is all work.

After all, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

So here is the latest update on the career front:

I've been very invested in networking as of late, going to every possible Elle Canada magazine event that I can. If you recall, I went to an event back in December and was able to have a nice long and encouraging talk with one of the beauty editors, Vanessa Craft. Well, it turns out that I did make some sort of impression, because she remembered me. Now, it is possible she remembers me because I had a long conversation with her and I'm a familiar face that keeps showing up to these events (that's what I hope), but it can also be quite possible that she remembers me because I'm the crazy girl who tried to add her on LinkedIn and sent her a message saying it was wonderful meeting her, and then months later sent a message saying I was hoping I would see her at last week's event. Hmmmm, well I'm going to choose to accept that it is the former and not the latter, since she came up to me smiling and said it was good to see me again. If it had been the latter, she probably would have avoided me at all costs right?

And this little scenario taught me a valuable lesson: It's all about how you see it and what you make of it.

As of late, as many of my close friends and family will attest, I've been going through a pretty bad 'down time.' I'm not going to kill the mood by throwing out the scary words like depression, but I always explain, when asked how things are going, that I'm doing well, been having my ups and downs, such is life. I will admit it's been a lot more down than up lately, but I'm always optomistic that if I keep trying as hard as I do, I will propel myself upwards again.

But being down is really a matter of how you are seeing things and what you are making of your situation. The doom and gloom of living a life of unattained dreams is bound to get to any human being from time to time, sometimes even make you lose sight of who you are, what you are capable of, and what you are striving for. I was at one of these points, even telling people that I wasn't sure that I could succeed at anything anymore. What if me thinking I'm good at writing has all been in my head? Regardless of writing awards, a full scholarship to complete my MA, and my countless internship positions where I was told how good my writing was......somehow, this poison seeped in. I spent some cliche days lying in bed not wanting to get out.....yeah, it was really that bad. And not just because of a seemingly non-existent career dead-end, but because of my serious lack of a personal life and an active social life too.

One of these days, while I was lying in bed pittying myself (and completely conscious of the fact that I was doing so) a friend asked me point blank "so what are you going to do about it." I love my friends, my really close friends, because they never sugar coat things. Tough love is indeed love, and I think that it is sometimes the best way to show that you care. Anyway, I realized that I was upset about my situation and thought that I was working to change it, but really, what I needed to change the most was my frame of mine: how I perceived the situation and what I was going to make of it. One of my biggest pit falls has actually been being selfish. I know, what a shocker! I go to networking events thinking about what they can do for me, not how I am going to contribute and open up an equal exchange, and I get upset about opportunities that don't pay and don't seem to be much different than all of the other experience I already have on my resume. Two things are wrong with this scenario: I am thinking about me, what I get out of this, and I'm thinking that I'm entitled, that after all of my education and work experience I should be in a full time paid position in my field right now. These two things will only ever lead to significant unhappiness and a spiralling circle that get you absolutely nowhere. It's not always easy to fix, but I've already tried to change my mindset and I plan to go to the next networking event and not ask for something: for an editor to tell me about how they got their start, to offer me advice, to see that I am amazing and really want an job.....instead, I'm going to offer something, perhaps help with the next event, what ever it may be.

The way that I have been thinking is nothing but toxic poison that robs you of life's happiness. This was made clear when I belittled my latest opportunity, sucking all of the hope and happiness out of it. I was recently hired on with Fusia magazine to be an Editorial Assistant. I jumped at the opportunity, because it is in fact the title I want in the field that I want. But then, I started doubting that this was a great opportunity because it didn't seem to get me further ahead (meaning I'm still in my day job because the pay is only 1 months rent for each issue, and we only publish two print issues a years....so this is all done on my own time). Because it wasn't a way to move out of my current job and full tine and permanently into my field, I started seeing this as another unpaid internship, and look how far those got me. But as I was lying there in my bed of misery, I realized.....I was originally excited about it, and it's going to keep me writing so I have something to keep my portfolio up to date and relevant, among many other things, and it's going to look good on my resume (the only magazine experience that doesn't say intern beside the title) and will most likely help me secure another Editorial Assistant position. Going even further than that, who's to say that I can't be the one to help turn this magazine into a monthly print issue and an even more reputable publication? So, while I saw this as yet another one of the same situations, I put limits on what I would get out of it and on myself and what I could do for it or bring to the table. That is never a good frame of mind. In order to be successful at anything, you need to ignore the glass ceiling and be willing to shatter it.

Regardless of how I may have felt at the time, looking back, in all of my internships I made a lasting impression. I am a hard worker and I'm good at what I do. I received some confirmation of this when I got a reference letter from my old boss and editor at Fashion Weekly. I was touched by some of the things she had to say about me. And my relationship with my old editor from Uncharted Sounds, one that has blossomed into a fantastic friendship long after the work relationship is over, speaks for itself. I've also learned valuable things about my abilities and about the industry I'm trying to break into from all of these positions. I'm still not an advocate of unpaid internships, but I will say that at this point I am confident about my abilities to not only do the job at hand, but to excel at it, because I already have in the past. This may seem like a small statement, but this is actually quite important, because one of the reasons I was so down was because I lost my confidence in myself . When all of your accomplishments seem to be in the past and it feels like the present is full of failures and rejections, it's understandable that you may feel no longer equipped to succeed, and there's nothing more damaging to a person's success than that. Dare to dream and dare to be confident in that dream.  The only person who can make you give up is yourself.

I feel like I could go on and on about this, but I won't.....any more than I already have. No one wants to read that much. But for those who read this blog to feel a connection to the struggle, I will just leave you with this. When you feel completely stuck and like there's no way out, think to yourself....am I doing absolutely everything that I could be doing right now to make the most of my present situation? Have I learned everything I need to learn from this situation? Have I given back as much as I've expected out? It's all well and good to look ahead, but there are so many things that you need to do in the present first. Just because you can't see exactly yet how it fits in, doesn't mean it won't end up to be an integral part of your career path. Aside from giving me office experience, my administration position has given me valuable insight on networking and the job application process, and it has allowed me to start a blog, which looks great on my resume and helps the company (remember, what you can do for the company not what the company can do for you).

Perhaps this new Editorial Assistant position is the key to unlocking some of the doors in my way, and maybe it isn't, maybe it will be just one more thing to add to my already very long resume, but that doesn't mean that I can't get absolutely everything I possibly can out of it and offer just as much back. My first step is to blog for the magazine too and increase their online presence and social media traffic. I'll let you all know how this pans out.

Are you missing out on life?

Over these past two weeks I have been using my time more wisely, mostly because I was forced to. We were switching over our internet/cable provider, so we were cut off. Not being able to watch tv or stream videos/watch Netflix was probably one of the best things to happen to me in a long time, even though I was convinced that I wouldn’t survive without it. It actually served to be quite an eye opener of how I spend my time, and therefore my life.

I can’t believe how much of my life I was wasting.

My Morning Routine:

During my morning getting ready for work I would usually listen to music, trying to get myself into a good mood for the day. Then, during my morning commute I would just sit there and listen to music. My commute is 40 minutes. That’s almost an hour and a half of time that I would pretty much do nothing with each day. What I changed was very simple, but it has made a world of difference. When I’m getting ready in the morning, I now listen to my German learning software. Then when I’m on the bus and the Go train, I go through my little German Lesson’s language learning book which conveniently is quite small and portable. Sometimes I do the same thing on my commute home, or I relax by reading a book. Mind you, I’m still listening to music while I do this (I have a brain that allows me to do both and not be distracted), so I still get myself into a good mood for the day.

My Evening Routine:

Before the tv abstinence, I would pretty much just come home, cook dinner, and then sit down in front of the tv to eat it…..and would get stuck there until I decided to shower and get ready for bed. This was a considerable waste of time. Now, when I get home I still cook dinner, but I get right on my TESL course. Just by taking an hour or two after work, I am quickly making my way through this course and am on my way to having a certification under my belt that might help further my career. Even if it doesn’t, the fact that I am now spending my free time learning (languages or new skills) makes me feel like I am accomplishing something…I’m challenging myself. I am the type of person who can easily begin to feel depressed about my life if I have no challenges and don’t feel accomplished. I realized that if I’m not feeling challenged by my work-life, then I must challenge myself in my personal life.

Personal life….that has actually been one of the most eye opening things of all. As I said in a post or two before this, now that I was on a regular work schedule, I was trying to find enjoyment in my free time and was finding things to do and spending time with friends and family. I cannot stress this enough….this is the most rewarding thing that I’ve ever done for myself. My personal relationships matter to me very much and I am willing to invest the time in them. On top of that, I’m finding ways to do this that also engage other passions of mind, i.e. my creative side. I’ve gone to two Paint Nite’s so far, and they have both been wonderful. I get to spend time with my friends, but it’s not in someone’s living room watching tv or in a movie where we can’t talk, it’s in an environment where we not only talk and catch up, but we are actually creating something. Being able to engage in something creative is therapy for me! I am a creative person, so that needs an outlet. I also went to a cooking class with a friend this past week and that was equally a wonderful creative outlet and an opportunity to learn and create while also being able to socialize and catch up. Despite the fact that going out to these events can sometimes make me quite tired at work the next day, they are unbelievably worth it and I never miss an opportunity. With no distraction of tv’s, and meeting in an environment and for an activity that keeps our phones out of our hands and wherein we can actual engage with each other, I have never felt more like I am making good use of my time. Even today on my lunch break I was on facetime with a friend in Manitoba. You have to find the time for the people who mean a lot for you and for the things that give your life meaning, otherwise what are you doing with your life?

I was inspired to write this post because of a video (link is below) that my cousin shared on Facebook, one that everyone is probably familiar with now. I realized that it has definitely become a problem that there are so many distractions in our lives that we no longer effectively communicate and we miss out on things all around us.

How much of my life have I missed out on when I was at home watching tv? How many people have I missed out on meeting because I wasn’t in a certain place, or I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings, or even because I was giving off this aura of disinterest (that I just wanted to sit there and listen to my music and not talk to anyone). I was on the bus yesterday and the bus driver talked to us and joked with us over the PA system the entire ride. Some people seemed put off by the disruption to their ordinarily silent commute home from work, but most people were delightfully surprised. An entire bus of strangers began engaging with each other in a communal conversation started by one person who didn’t care if everyone thought he was crazy. When did it become crazy to speak and have a conversation? Why do we not even want to make eye contact with each other? How unbelievably lonely is that kind of life!?!?!?!?!? I love meeting new people and having out of the blue conversations with strangers. I don’t want to be numb and merely pass through life…..I want to live life!!!!!

Me living life begins with me taking charge of it, actively working towards goals. So I decide to learn a language, or I decide to take a cooking class, I join a book club…..these are all very simple things that anyone can do, you just have to take the time to do it. I used to believe that I was too busy and didn’t have the time to do much in my life. Then I realized I have plenty of time if I cut out a lot of bad habits, like vegging out in front of the tv. There seems to be a lot of time in the day now, and the possibilities are endless.

 “time is a non-renewable resource, so it’s better to use it as efficiently as possible”

This is the video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhbZJ_2zHco

Is That Why They Call It The Human Race?

As I was walking to catch my bus today to go to work this morning, I finally spotted the woodpecker that I have heard for days now. It’s funny because I always hear him, but I haven’t been able to see him. Today though, I finally caught a glimpse of the little guy. I was pretty amazed that such a small bird could make such a loud noise. He seriously wakes up the neighborhood with his little construction work. It was nice to finally put a face to the noise. I’ve always found these birds to be kind of fascinated. I also always wonder how they don't constantly have a headache, but I guess that's a different conversation altogether.

So why am I telling you about this bird? Well, for starters they are just really cool and I like that we have one on our street. But, more specifically, this is about time management. Although I am in general a punctual person and don’t make a habit of showing up late, there are times when I cut things pretty close. Last week I spent most of it rushing to get to work and then rushing to catch the train home. I hadn’t spotted my little friend because I was always running, in a hurry to get somewhere, I had no time to stop and appreciate the things around me.

This morning, however, I was early, so I was able to take my time. I not only got a chance to finally see the little noisy neighbour, but actually had a pleasant conversation with a neighbour walking her dog. There are so many things you can miss out on when you are running late. What is more, I just kept on thinking throughout the day how much more pleasant my day was without all of the rushing. I was in such a good mood and I didn’t feel anxious and I wasn’t upset at the person in front of me who just wasn’t walking fast enough. I wonder how much unnecessary stress, anxiety, and anger we bring on ourselves simply because we haven’t given ourselves enough time in the morning to get everything done that we need to. I even had time this morning to have a proper breakfast and a full cup of tea. That never happens!

If I know that a pleasant morning can change my entire day, merely by changing my mood and outlook, why do I not ensure that this is part of my regular practice? Is it really worth spending an extra 10 minutes in bed when the result is an entire day of anxiety? Definitely not. Although we can’t help running late and rushing from time to time, I’m sure that it is much better for our physical and mental health if we just slow things down and do them in a timely fashion. And really, the stress free morning actually helped me deal with the jam packed and at moments stressful day at work. Believe it or not, even once I was done work and coming home, I didn’t feel as utterly exhausted as I usually do. I think that once you take a lot of the stress and anxiety out of it, that sheer feeling of being exhausted from the day dissipates.

And even still, maybe I just had a good day, but I think I’m going to work this into my schedule. I could use more days filled with stress-free walks to work and taking time to look at birds and talk with strangers. I see too many people in the city looking so angry and worn-out all the time. Perhaps a simple solution (though not a cure-all) is just to better manage our time so that we can slow things down. Being part of the human race doesn’t mean we need to hustle and bustle our way throughout life – it’s a marathon, not a sprint, so we need to pace ourselves and take our time. Life is so much more enjoyable when you can just enjoy the moment instead of trying to catch up to it.

People, People Who Need People, Are The Luckiest People In The World

Ok, so perhaps it is just the coming of spring that is making me all sentimental, but I’m about to get a little gushy on you. I was walking and talking with a friend this past Sunday afternoon, discussing some of the ways that my thinking has changed over the years. One such vein of thinking had to do with the concept of needing other people.

I used to think that it made me a strong, independent person when I used to say and think that I don’t need anyone. Sure I never denied that I “wanted” certain people in my life, but to me to ever “need” someone was a sign of weakness; it meant that you couldn’t be whole on your own or complete in your own self – somehow your identity was dependent on other people. Even the tired and overly drawn-out saying “you complete me” that Jerry Maguire made famous seemed like such a dangerous concept to me: if your sense of feeling complete is completely dependent on someone else, you constantly risk being incomplete, dissatisfied, and walking through life missing something.

Well, perhaps it is a sign of maturity, or perhaps it is just life experience that has taught me to think differently, but I am now a firm believer that we DO NEED people, and this is not a compromise of self-resilience, it is a basic fact that makes us human. The ability to disengage and make it through life alone is really contrary to human instinct and is seriously lonely. We are social beings for a reason. And let’s not forget that we still needed two human beings to come together to create us in the first place and then raise us past the age of complete dependence.

So, this tough girl is – GASP – letting her guard down and recognizing that perhaps needing isn’t such a bad concept. I am coming to this realization not because I’ve “fallen in love” or some sappy ridiculous notion like that (c’mon, let’s face facts, I’m still too immature for that :-P); this thought has occurred to me simply because I have come to realize that I am just happier living a life with important people in it than trying to go it alone.

Aside from feeling completely off-course when I was working my last retail job at Calvin Klein, I also felt miserable because I was incredibly alone. My roommates hardly ever saw me because I worked a polar opposite schedule to them, I never got to go home on weekends to visit family, I hardly ever had the time to hang out with friends, and I never really extended work relationships past the realm of work. I would get up, go to work, come home, repeat. I had very little time in my life to accommodate other things. Well, that’s not entirely true, I had plenty of time, but never time that matched up with others and their schedules.

There is a part of you that craves human interaction….a part that makes you human. I am a very independent person and completely fine being on my own, but every now and then I still get that desire to be around other people. John Donne said it best when he stated that “No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main” (Meditation XVII). When we do go solo for too long, the result is loneliness – I don’t care how strong and independent you are, if you’ve never been lonely, then you aren’t human.
 

This past April Fools I really discovered my complete appreciation for people. It was a small thing, but the office pranks (initiated by me of course – I thought we already established that I’m not mature?!?!?!) made me feel like an integral part of something. It was just an incredibly fun day filled with foolishness, true, but a display of appreciation and friendship towards others. I have been incredibly happy recently because of all of these people at work. I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know all of them, even if only superficially, and their presence in my life is a source of happiness. I am also incredibly grateful for absolutely everyone in my family, because I don’t even know who I would be and how I would get by without them. I also am unbelievably thankful for my friends (both old and new), because they are also a constant source of joy in my life. Can I survive without any of these people? Of course. But do I want to? Absolutely not. The truth is my quality of life would seriously be diminished with the absence of any of these people. Life is just truly a lot more meaningful with people in it that you care about and who care about you. As scary as the concept is, my life would indeed be incomplete without these integral human connections.