If you don't know, please shut up about it

I am soooooo mad, livid actually. I've been listening to the debates on CBC radio regarding internships, and I am becoming more and more frustrated with people offering their opinions who really have no insight on the matter. First things first, internships and co-ops are completely different and that should be clarified. Co-ops are organized through schools and you receive school credit for them. Credits are academic currency, and therefore you are getting paid in some capacity. Plus, obviously the work-industry knowledge you learn is very helpful.

Internships, on the other hand, you receive nothing for, aside from industry experience. I am not speaking down to industry experience, although not all internships do offer quality industry experience, especially when there are no school curricula monitoring what the intern is actually learning. Industry experience is important, but the time periods that businesses have placed on this learning period are unfair. The problem is we university graduates enter the industry sitting on top of thousands of dollars worth of debt, debt that we are expected to start paying back 6 months after graduation. The majority of us, however, can't even afford to pay rent and buy groceries for up to a year and a half after graduation and are still expected to happily sign on to 6-12 month unpaid internships and simply be happy for the work experience. And the people who keep telling us this are sitting on top of nice paychecks in their cozy homes with their yummy groceries and they keep telling us that this is just the way it is and to suck it up. I've done the run around and I'm sick and tired of it. I did a 4 year internship with a music magazine while still in school thinking it would give me a writing portfolio and experience to give me a leg up once I graduated; I’m still unemployed. I did a 4 month internship with a literary agency; I’m still unemployed. I did a 3 month internship with a PR agency; I’m still unemployed. I am currently half way through a 6 month internship with a fashion magazine, and yes you guessed it, I’m still unemployed. The industry keeps on spitting out this lie to us that industry experience is important and that internships will lead to a full time job. This is simply not the case, especially in my field of work. The majority of publications these days survive on free work done by interns and minimally paying for freelance work, very few actually hire staff writers. I can name at least 20 publications that I personally know don’t pay a cent for any of their content. How is that legal? To have an entire publication running and making a profit off of the free work of so many people? And the sad part is that if all of these people who are working for free decided to stop doing it, hundreds will come up out of the woodwork and take their places. It’s sick.

Possibly the worst part, on top of not being able to actually provide for ourselves, is being berated for not prioritizing properly at any point that we put our menial paid jobs that we HAVE to take on the side in order to live, above our internships. I understand that they want our absolute best work and our undivided attention, but you know what.....I’m sorry but unless you are going to pay me enough to make sure that I'm not homeless and starving, you don't get my best work or undivided attention because I HAVE TO WORK A REAL JOB TO SURVIVE!!! I am a very dedicated worker and I will always put forth the best work that I possibly can, but I can’t be in two places at once and it is unfair to be mad at me when I can’t be at your beckon call because I’m…..no, not slacking off…..at work! All I ever do is work and it seems to be getting me nowhere.  

What is more, I've had internship positions where I am doing way more than is part of an internship job description. If I am doing as much work as the full-time associates, I should be getting paid the same amount, or at least getting paid fairly, or at all. In this particular instance too, I knew just as much if not more than the people I was working for, so you can’t say that we are learning valuable skills from others who are more skilled than us, because sometimes that is just not true. All I learned from this particular position was that I would never be caught dead working permanently for this company or in this vein of work.

The bottom line is that unpaid internships are exploitation and you can't dress it up any other way. We can't get the internships without going to school first, and we can't get the job without going through around what feels like a million internships first, so what do you expect from us? We are angry and frustrated, living well below the poverty line, and drowning in debt that we can’t actually make a dent in. I can’t afford the basic necessities to live and I am working my butt off for free and then working myself sick at a minimum wage job that I am two university degrees overqualified for just to get by. I'm already in my third round of repayment assistance (which is a freeze payment on my student loans because I don’t bring in enough money to make the minimum monthly payments). You know what this means? It means that while I work my butt off doing two or three unpaid internships at the same time just to add work experience to my resume, and work my part-time minimum wage job, I’m collecting a crap load of interest on my loan balance. As if the original debt wasn’t bad enough, it just keeps on growing the longer I do this merry-go-round of unpaid internship after unpaid internship.

So please, I beg you, all of you who are sitting comfortably in your job and are essentially saying that we are just spoiled little brats who don’t see the value in what you are offering and only place value on dollar signs, please please please shut up! Or better yet, please take 6-12 months of your time working for free and then tell me that this is reasonable. And don’t give me the excuse “we all did it, that’s just the way it is.” I don’t accept that. It doesn’t have to be that way. I’ve been out of school now for over a year and I have no paid job prospects. I’m sitting on a Master’s degree and have no paid job prospects. That tells me that something is seriously wrong with the way we are doing things. I got sick a few weeks back and had to pay for antibiotics that I couldn’t actually afford because I have no more school coverage and no work coverage. I had to dish out $150 that I didn’t have, just to be able to be healthy enough to go to work for FREE!!!!!! It is infuriating, it is debilitating, and it is down-right wrong and utterly depressing. I’m living off of credit cards, so just accumulating more debt, just to get by. So please, stop talking about us like we are lazy and entitled. We are just tired of being overworked and undervalued, and living from day to day wondering if we will be able to meet our needs. Some days we don’t even know if we will have enough money to get into work; the work place where we are expected to happily work for free. Maybe in your world where everyone is getting help from mommy and daddy people can afford the luxury of working for a year for free, but that is not my world, and I would argue that it actually isn’t the world that most of us live in. So, we are forced to make a hard decision: try to get by and work for free with the hope of getting a paid job somewhere down the line, or work instead two to three crappy minimum wage jobs. Both of those options sound pretty depressing don’t they? 

I haven't given up hope, but part of my new hope is that unpaid internships will be ruled illegal in Canada and we will be given a better shot at making a life for ourselves. I know that this means less internship work experience will be available for new graduates, but the way I see it is....if these current internship opportunities aren't doing us much good right now anyway, then they won't really be missed when they're gone. Something's gotta give. 

 

It's All a Matter of Perspective

I’m not sure why this is, but when I get sick and have to spend days lying in bed recuperating, I tend to take stock of my life.  I re-evaluate what I am doing, what I want to be doing, if I’m happy. I suppose this happens because I have slowed down and am rid of distractions. Distractions are my coping mechanism though, and are often very welcome because introspection can tend to be slightly difficult. Well, I have been sick for the past couple of days, and therefore I have been re-evaluating.

Interestingly enough, my friends all seem to be taking stock of their lives at the same time, and what they have shared has been pretty inspiring. From my cousins to my brothers and many of my friends, it seems that everyone is sharing today how happy and blessed they feel.

I have indeed been happier lately too, which some friends have noticed and commented on. I suppose that is mostly due to the fact that I can actually pay my rent and am working. Perhaps it is more than that too, though. Since I have been taking things one day at a time and enjoying myself instead of worrying about my career and my next step, the doom and gloom that I emanated months before has subsided. I still feel guilty at times that I haven’t been diligently looking for work in my field, but I know that putting some of that anxiety behind me for a while was exactly what I needed. I cannot change my situation by worrying, so I am trying to simply live the moments that I’m in and stay open for the ones to come. My biggest goal as of late was to simply not worry. This doesn’t mean that I’m giving up on any of my goals; I’m simply not allowing my future goals to control my present happiness.

And yet, some might say I have lacked certain motivation as of late. At times this may be true, and maybe I am even letting my present work situation distract me, but my end goals are still the same and I know that when the opportunity presents itself I will grab on with both hands and will be extremely motivated to follow through.

Right now I am focused on enjoying myself, on staying happy and positive, making the right connections, and learning something new. I feel like everything I go through teaches me something, and I have learned a lot (particularly about myself) over the last couple of months.

Bringing this back to taking stock of my life though, there are some things in particular that I struggle with that I want to actively change, and I have been learning through my friends that this is possible. One friend that has inspired me has just gone through one of the most exciting and also most heartbreaking years of his life. He has come out of it feeling incredibly blessed, happy, vibrant, and capable of being open to love and goodness. Frankly he is one of the most positive and upbeat people I have ever met and I really admire him. He has had so many negative obstacles come about that would get anyone down, but he chooses to focus on the positive and to be happy. I feel like there is so much that I can learn from him. He mentioned two things that really resonated with me: his ability to find meaning in his life, and his ability to love openly. These are two things I struggle with on a daily basis.

I have let external circumstances dictate the meaning in my life, whether it’s a lack of a job in my field or a lack of a significant other, I keep on feeling like something is missing and that my life is somehow less meaningful due to these absences. The rational side of me knows that this is wrong and that my life is meaningful if I am creating meaningful experiences, but I constantly feel like I am in a holding pattern waiting for something truly meaningful to happen.

My biggest shortcoming, though, is my inability to create meaningful relationships. I keep everyone at a distance, even my own family. I don’t even think my parents would really know what was going on in my life if they didn’t read my blog. And even then, there are obviously a lot of things I don’t post on here. It is very hard for me to love openly, and so I tend to push people away or not let them get too close, and then I wonder why I feel so alone. I know that I do this to protect myself, but this defence mechanism to keep me from getting hurt is often what hurts me the most. If you cannot trust and depend on people, you are destined to live a very lonely life. If someone likes me, I run, if they don’t like me, I agonize over why. I don’t like this quality about myself and it has been something I have been working on changing for a while.

I know that my problem falls somewhere on an axis of possessing an incessant need to look outside of myself for meaning and validation, and (somewhat in opposition) a refusal to depend on anything outside of myself for happiness. It is a kind of catch 22, if I refuse to allow my happiness to depend on transient things, but also cannot be happy without those transient things, then how can I ever be happy? The reality is that things do end, people come and go from your life, but does that make these experiences or the interactions you have had with these people any less meaningful? If we never make friends or form intimate relationships because we know there is a high probability that those connections will eventually be severed, then really what is the point of living? Our lives themselves are intrinsically transient – we are here one day and gone the next. So unless we are going to consider life itself meaningless, which I don’t believe any of us would, then there is value in the transient.  For example, I am not in touch with any of my friends from gradschool anymore, but the year I spent out east from gradschool was one of the best years of my life. I wouldn’t trade that experience for anything. It is sad to see people come and go, sure, but the fact that you got to know them at all is a real blessing.   

So, in the nature of re-evaluating myself and my life, I am going to aim to enjoy the moment, to learn from it, to focus on the positive and try not to worry about the negative, and to appreciate the value and beauty of all of the little moments. In the end I think life just might be an accumulation of little moments. If you are constantly waiting around for the big ones to happen, then you miss out on the small ones happening daily and you miss out on your life.

Thank you to all of you who are showing me this daily. I appreciate each and every one of you. 

Because I’m Me: Take 2

I told you in the post a few months ago that things sort of just happen to me that are awkward and embarrassing, and….well….that hasn’t changed. It’s all part-in-parcel to being me.

As you can probably guess…something embarrassing happened again. I was on the set of Reign on Thursday, a great show that I am very happy to be a part of, and I had what I will call a wardrobe malfunction. The dress that they gave me to wear was slightly too big for me, so it didn’t fit tightly enough, and it was quite long. Because of the length I had to lift the skirt to make sure I didn’t drag the dress while walking, but when I would do this the clasps in the back of the dress would pop open. I explained the problem and was supposed to be sown into the dress to ensure it stayed closed. The wardrobe assistant decided, however, to lace up the corset instead of using the clasps, which ensured that it stayed closed. That seems to be a reasonable solution right? Wrong. The corset part may have stayed closed, but the bottom of the dress did not.

While heading to set with about 100 people behind me, lifting my dress to make sure I didn’t trip and the material didn’t drag, I heard running behind me and someone tapped me on the shoulder. I was then informed by this kind person that the back of my dress was completely open and my butt was completely exposed. To make matters worse…I was wearing bright pink panties…cheekies in fact, so my exposure was very noticeable and eye catching to the 100 people behind me. I was so embarrassed and had to spend the rest of the day around people who had seen my butt. Wardrobe was sympathetic and spent time safety pinning the entirety of the dress, which they should have done from the get-go. Oh well. When in Reign right? To top that all off, this was my very first day on this set, a set that I am supposed to be on for continuity, which means I will be going back regularly. Now, though, I will only be known as the girl who had her butt hanging out. That sounds about right. Oh how fun it is to be me. On the bright side, at least people on that set are probably not going to forget me any time soon. 

 Let's just pretend it was a Monroe moment.

Get Your Butt in Gear Girl!

My excuse, like usual, for not writing sooner is that I have been really busy. Now that this Disney movie is done and Degrassi is on hiatus, I am finding myself with more time, time that I hope to use to write. This same excuse has in fact always been my excuse not to write: “I don’t have enough time” or “I’m too busy.” Why am I making this excuse? The majority of people, regardless of how busy their lives may be, find the time to do the things they love, so why not me? Even when I was unemployed and sitting at home all day with plenty of time on my hands, I wasn’t writing. I’ve had well developed ideas for years now of what my first novel will be, but I don’t seem to discipline myself to sit down and write it.

I am venturing to determine that this is not simply a matter of laziness or a lack of will on my part, although those may indeed factor in, perhaps instead these excuses stem from fear. When I was in school and writing it was always just for fun, but now that school is finished and I am trying in some form or another to make a career out of it…there is a notion that this is for real now, and that means that I can fail. And yet, perhaps while in school I never took my writing seriously not just because I was busy with school work and couldn’t focus enough on developing my craft, but because I have been scared all along of failing at what I want to do most with my life. However, if you never try, then you’ve already failed.

Of course, like anything you are trying to get back into, you need to ease back into it. When I take a break from yoga and decide to go back, I never jump into a 3 hour moksha class, I start again at home to re-train my muscles and then take shorter classes and work my way back up to where I was before. Like my atrophied muscles, my writing craft is perhaps a little out of shape. So, I am proposing a challenge for myself to help me get back into the swing of things: a 30 day writing challenge. Although I will probably start this sooner, my idea is to force myself throughout the entire month of September to write something every day. Since I can’t even dedicate myself to my blog every day, this will actually be a challenge.

I have come to two conclusions: (1.) that I have been thinking this story through in my mind for far too long and it is far past time that I get it down on paper, and (2.) that I can’t really call myself a writer if I’m never actually writing. I am certainly not naïve enough to believe that I can get a rough draft of a novel done in a month, but if I can even get a few good chapters underway then perhaps the task at hand won’t seem so daunting. It is time that I get my butt in gear and turn my thoughts into something tangible, and since I already have connections at a literary agency that I can send a draft to, getting something down on paper for them to see is the next logical step and it may be just the right step I need to take to get closer to where I am trying to go. I will try to keep this blog updated on my progress as the month goes on. Wish me luck and success!   

 

Now is the time for fun, I'll figure out the rest as I go

Things have been crazy busy for me for a change. It’s been a nice change though. I signed on with a background agent and have been getting work every day. I spent most of last week filming a Disney movie, and then I did one day on Degrassi. I also had an audition for a commercial through my principle agent that went quite well. I’m starting to feel a lot less stressed about money. Now the challenge is to find time to still do all of the work needed for these internships as well as the background work. I do admit though, It’s been a wonderful feeling leaving the house for work every day. I’m also already confirmed for 3 days this week (Tuesday to Thursday), so it seems like things are going to be steady for a while; such a relief. This week I’m going to have to become nocturnal, since I have evening shoots from Tuesday to Thursday. It’s going to be interesting. I should be trying to sleep right now actually so that I have energy later on tonight. I attempted to stay up last night and sleep all day today, but I didn’t quite make it. After the shoot tonight though I will come home and crash and then I’ll maneuver myself into “night shift” mode. What I’m wondering about is whether I’ll end up doing the evening on the movie set and then the day on Degrassi on Friday. It would end up being exhausting, but probably a good way to re-set my clock. I guess we’ll see how that goes.

The work is definitely something I’ve been very thankful for. I’m also really enjoying the social aspect of it. It’s been fantastic meeting so many new people instead of sitting at home every day applying for work and feeling lonely. I think my circle of friends has tripled in the last month. Despite the early morning calls and late evening wrap times, I am having the time of my life. I spend almost every day laughing and just having a good time. I’ve definitely needed more of that in my life. Keeping busy also helps to distract me from the things that aren’t exactly working out right now, but it’s a very welcome distraction.

The other blessing lately has been my family. I actually spent the long weekend at home with my family and had a great time. We ended up having a bbq with some extended family celebrating my cousin’s graduation, and it was really nice to all be together for that. I was able to spend time with my other cousin, he husband, and her beautiful baby boy – which always proves to be a good time – and even spent some quality girl time chatting and shopping with my mother and my aunt. I am learning more and more that family is something very special and not to be taken for granted. These are the people that will be in your life no matter what, will love you no matter what, and will be there for you when you need them (for the most part). As crazy as they can make me sometimes, I appreciate them so much, especially now.

All in all, I would say that I’m just taking things one day at a time and enjoying them. I may not have an understanding or a feeling of direction and purpose, which was a primary factor in my unhappiness before, but I am starting to realize that’s ok. Things have sort of just been happening lately, things I haven’t planned myself, and they have been good. I’m not sure when I’ll actually get into my field, but as for right now I’m going to enjoy the ride. Who knows where this road will lead. I've spent way too much time worrying and stressing, and really for what? I want to enjoy my life instead of worrying and stressing my way through it. So now is the time for fun and enjoyment, since I'll never have this chance again once I do have that full-time job. The rest will figure itself out, or I will figure it out as I go....but I'm not going to worry about it now....I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. Ultimately, when it's all said and done, all I want out of my life is for it to be a happy one, and if I can learn to be happy in whatever circumstance I'm in or with whatever I'm doing, then my life is fulfilled.